Empathy

It's been a while since I've written, but I felt the need to write about an epiphany that I've had.

I first started to notice a tendency in high school, that as I had an innate habit of absorbing the personality traits of others I was around. Much like the way I absorb data.

At a time when I didn't know about Asperger's, it didn't really make much sense to me. It is known that those with Asperger's have difficulty understanding and empathizing with others emotions.

A few months ago, I was talking with a former colleague about his turmoil and he self-describes himself as an 'empath'. I found it very interesting to discover another end of the empathy spectrum. It was an interesting discussion between the man who can't empathize and the man who can't stop empathizing.

It occurs to me now the way that I cope with my inability to naturally empathize is through a strange form of mimicry. I generate would would probably be better described as a 'simpatico' with people. I find a way to feel empathy through subconsciously analyzing and mimicking how people behave and then internalizing it.

So that makes me wonder again, how much of 'me' is me? How much is layers upon layers of other people's personalities, feelings and emotions analyzed and absorbed by my mind? 

Maybe this is the way all Aspies cope? Maybe it's the healthiest way to go about it? Or maybe this is limited to my own unique mind? I don't know. I don't know how to even feel about it, so far it has worked, but I feel it further obfuscates my own identity.

Vulnerability

I've been having a very rough few weeks. After a short period of stability, the darkness of depression has hit me hard most evenings in the last few weeks. I could claim it has to do with my mom being in the hospital, but if I'm honest it started well before then.

I feel broken, and I think it is so true that is does give you the ability to build yourself back up again, however, I just don't know how to go about it. I am lost and I feel trapped.

I told a friend last night that I feel like Asperger's locks me in a room and in that room I am stalked by my depression. It is so difficult to deal with the way these two afflictions feed off of each other.


My sense of identity is shattered, it is shards on the floor at my feet. I am trying to re-forge them without getting cut by them and I am struggling.

I can't help but feel like I have a major gap in my life and I don't know how to fill it. I'd like to this is another example of where Asperger's and Depression feed off of each other. The Asperger's makes it difficult for me to meet and engage new people in order to date, and the depression drains me of the energy to overcome it and makes it seem hopeless. Add to that the level of doubt that this would even be the right time in my life to have a partner and it just completely stalls the process.

I don't know who I am, and even more difficult, I'm not even sure who I want to be. How does one forge a weapon without knowing if he wants a sword or a battle-axe? How does a painter paint when he doesn't know if he wants to make a portrait or a seascape? I just know I can't stay as the puddle of emotion that I am right now, nor descend into the numbing darkness on a nightly basis, if I want to survive.

Christmas Spirit

If I'm not in the Christmas Spirit this year, it is because too much is amiss for it to truly feel like Christmas. I am deeply impacted by my mother not being home yet, but that isn't the only thing wrong.

2015 is the year that I decided to be honest with myself and with the people in my life. So I'm going to say right now that if this is too honest for you, I apologize for making you feel bad, but not for actually saying it.

Most of the people in this country, including a lot of people on my friends list, have lost the true meaning of this holiday. If you celebrate Christmas tomorrow stuffing your face while railing against helping the poor or refugees, you are a hypocrite. If you open presents tomorrow, while supporting politicians that keep cutting veteran's benefits, you are a hypocrite. If you talk about love and peace this holiday season and then embrace a man like Donald Trump, you are a hypocrite. If you get offended because someone says Happy Holidays and you think your Christian majority gives you the right to hear Merry Christmas on demand, you are a hypocrite.

As someone who was raised Catholic and who, while not fully believing in the church and all of man's interpretations, still embraces the Lord. I am shocked and ashamed this holiday season at what I see on the news, and even more so, by what I see on my news feed! What would Jesus do is not just a cool bumper sticker slogan, if you are Christian it should be your way of thinking. Did Jesus say to help those in need, only when they are in the same geopolitical state as you? When Jesus fed the hungry, did he create a welfare state?

I was talking with a person whose excuse for not practicing WWJD was that he gave to charity already this year, implying that he is free from obligation the rest of the year.
 
I am not a socialist or a communist, I am not saying that you or I can't have any luxuries or spend money on enjoyment. However, look at what you say your priorities are (education for your children, military/vet benefits, homelessness) and then look at where you put your time and money, do they line up? Look at the values you espouse of peace, love and good will, then look at how you act and the positions you take, do they line up?

America is great because of it's rugged individualism, but perhaps we need that with just a small infusion of Asian culture of obligation to greater society.

I left the private sector for the public sector, in part because I had serious moral quandaries about the actions I was taking in order to drive simple profit for the already super rich. I am not perfect in how I live either, but I at-least see that and have tried to make a change.

Please take today and maybe tomorrow to look at yourselves closely, are you really in the holiday spirit? do you really grasp what this day is about? How will you change yourself to better follow the message of the man whose birth you are celebrating.

The Dancing Cop

Let me first start off by saying that if you are expecting a scathing rebuke of Tony Lepore or a political rant about civil rights and race relations, you may be disappointed. I have posted a lot on both issues on Facebook, but that is not what this blog is for. This is a story about me and it's a story that starts a long time ago and just happened to come up most recently with the Lepore incident.

Rewind to last Friday when I start hearing tidbits about the 'Dancing Cop' coming to East Providence, after his services were not renewed by the City of Providence. This instantly upset me, more for the budget implications and the waste I felt it was, than for the racial issues. And for the fact that Mr. Lepore often creates traffic rather than alleviate it.

Saturday, news stories started to hit about the Dancing Cop being hired for the Looff Carousel Tree Lighting and then for a two week stint directing traffic on Taunton Avenue in front of City Hall. I decided that it shouldn't stand. So Saturday evening, I alerted a friend to the news, knowing that he would organize against Lepore. That friend did what I expected and very effectively, including reaching out to elements in Providence who were behind the protests against Lepore there. I helped spread the word about the protests, but I also made sure that word got to some of our elected officials in the hopes that they would re-consider and intervene.

I know many people, whether for or against Lepore, did not like the idea of protesting at the Carousel because it was a 'children's event'. I had mixed feelings about this myself, but I do think that peacefully organizing is a key part of democracy and children should see it, not be sheltered. However, it was my hope that word of the protest alone would be enough and it wouldn't have to actually happen.

Lepore did back out of the event after being alerted of the situation by ceremonial Mayor Tommy Rose, saying he was (needlessly) worried about the children's safety. However Lepore had a lot of inflammatory comments to make toward the protesters and #BlackLivesMatter. He also said at the time that he still planned to direct traffic outside of City Hall and even started stating his schedule and the pay that he had worked out with the ceremonial Mayor that should not be negotiating such things. This led me to focus once again on the practices of our city in regards to hiring and contractor selection. The city council ended up deciding not to even bring Lepore's hiring up to a vote after protesters directed their energy at city hall, and Tony's days in EP were done before they began. I was very happy for this victory for sanity, racial unity and fiscal responsibility.

However, something weird started happening, as I began to hear Lepore on the news, I began to feel bad. I started thinking of him living on a modest pension, the 30 year tradition of holiday dancing and how much this activity meant to this man and to others. As protesters were getting ready to descend on City Hall to make their voice heard on the matter, I was in my room literally crying and shaking from the conflict of emotions inside me. Now, it is important to note that I missed my pills in the morning, so this isn't completely the effect of Mr. Lepore's persuasiveness. I was lucky to have a great friend once again help me through it. But it highlighted something that has always been there, like my own shadow, well before Mr. Lepore, and that is my pervasive feelings of guilt and regret.

It occurs to me now that this has been a demon stalking me since I could remember. When I was very little, I would get cold sometimes, but if my mom or grandma didn't tuck me in, I didn't cover myself because it would violate the tradition. What happens if I cover myself and their feelings are hurt? When I did give in and cover myself, I felt immensely guilty, like I had taken something away from them.

I go to sleep at night often haunted by these thoughts of guilt, of people that I perceive that I've wronged and failures I've had that have let myself and others down.

I did not and do not want Mr. Lepore blacklisted forever, even though he himself protested to get a 17 year old Dunkin Donuts worker fired. I am not an 'eye for an eye' person and I believe in forgiveness. I believe that people deserve another chance to start over and begin again fresh. Mr. Lepore will not be in East Providence and I am happy for that, but I do hope for him to find a community where he can perform his act and start his tradition anew.

But where Mr. Lepore may get a fresh start, I am still seeking mine. I think I have mostly lifted the burden of guilt about my father, but I still have a lot more that remains. How do I move forward? How do I get a fresh start? Am I just wired to feel this way or is there a psychological issue to resolve? Is there a root cause to be fixed or do I need to exorcise each of these demons one by one? Someday, Mr. Lepore may get his chance at redemption, I just hope that I get a chance at mine.

Who I am... and what I don't want to be!

Last night, I stumbled upon a Facebook post that linked to a webpage about communicating with people that have Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. I didn't actually read it until this morning, but it hit me hard. The page I landed on was neuro-typical wives talking about their relationship with their Aspergers husband and I see myself so much in the descriptions.

Here are some excepts, these are all from different spouses:

"Hard to communicate with, doesn't like to be social, doesn't like change,never compliments me... He thinks I can read his mind because it seems so painful for him to communicate. Very passive-aggressive."

 "He will go to work but as soon as he gets home he shuts down."

 "I love social events but it is like Chinese water torture to him."

 "Lack of empathy, lack of affection , lack of communication, lack of support through very difficult times. Always always always feeling lonely in my marriage."

 "Missing the physical and articulate expressions of simple affection and of passionate curiosity of ones object of desire. It is like reading music when you know what the orchestra sounds like and seeing the branches move without the sound of the breeze."

 "Poor communication, defensiveness, rigid thinking and lack of empathy."

I've never been in a relationship before, and I'm 31 years old. I know I am scared of the initial rejection and so I don't put myself out there. In addition to the fact that I do not participate in many of the normal social events in which one finds a date.

But I also do fear what it would be like to be in a relationship, the mental energy it will require from me in order to actively not be like the men in the above quotes and the fear that I will end up being like that to someone and hurting them deeply.

I also feel like I am lonely and that I'm missing something important by not being in a relationship. But at the same time is that enough to 'inflict myself' on someone or to expose myself to the slew of rejections I'll receive or to endure social situations that I won't enjoy in the hopes of 'meeting someone'. I really have no idea.

Entrepreneurial Spirit

I wish sometimes that I had that entrepreneurial spirit. That motivation to build and go after business and hopefully make a ton of money. But I do not, that's just not me.

Money has never been a driving force in my life, I of course want to earn a decent wage to provide for myself and take care of my needs, but I don't need to be rich or wealthy, that's just not something I feel like working toward.

I am proud to earn money through hard work doing something that contributes back to the community and to volunteer my extra time doing the same.

I have been told on occasion that I have a keen business mind and that I could go into business for myself and potentially make a lot of money. Personally, my particular skills are usually better applied at analyzing and improving upon existing business operations. Further as I said above, I have no drive or motivation to launch into business ventures.

I spent 10 years of my life in the private workforce, in the pursuit of money (for someone else), including high pressure sales, cutting operations to the bone despite being financially successful, etc. For someone who wants to move up in that world, it is great. If you want to be the next Tom Ryan at CVS, working from a store all the way to CEO, knock yourself out, I won't be in your way. For someone who wants to be the next Sam Walton and build a multi-national multi billion dollar company up from the ground, starting with one '5 and Dime'. Again knock yourself out. I have nothing against any of that, but it's just not me.

I have nothing against private industry, I am fine with people making money. I believe in regulating the excesses, but I'm not for socialism. That said, what makes me feel good every day isn't the size of my paycheck or the value of my stock options. It's spending the day helping people, increasing efficiency so that more value is added for every dollar and I've found a job where I'm doing that not to make a billionaire more money, but to make that dollar go further for children's education and value for tax payers. And so I can come hope each day satisfied with myself.

Rememberance

Today, I got to be a small part of a beautiful ceremony to commemorate the passing of my great uncle and god-father, Alfred 'Big Al' Santie. My uncle passed 8 years ago on October 8th and it took till now for him to get a proper gravestone. To be honest, it doesn't even feel like he's been gone that long.

I remember that I was at CVS in Riverside, I wasn't working, I had dropped in to discuss some things with the Store Manager at the time. I got a call from my mom to come home quickly. When I got home, she broke the news to me. He had been ill on and off, diabetes having taken its toll on him, but he was still active and no one had seen it coming.

His passing was a Riverside tragedy, people were literally lined up out the door and around the block at the wake. So many of them, men and boys that he had coached over the years, touched by his friendship, mentoring and guidance. Many I knew from various aspects of life and many I did not.

Like myself, my uncle had a way of keeping various parts of his life separate. My grandmother (his sister) and my mom would say how we'd find out years later about girlfriends he had, etc. And while I did occasionally meet the kids on his teams, that too was like a different world to me.

For me, he wasn't 'Big Al' he was 'Uncle Fred'. How that came about, I'm not sure, but it is interesting that he came to even go by a different name, to in some ways, further highlight the separation of these aspects of him. In a life where I had few male role-models, he was one of the closest things I had to one. When I was younger, he would pick me up and drop me off at school in his truck. It would always be the same time in the morning and the Honeydew Donuts commercial would come on. It still stays in my head today "Honeydew, the world's best donuts, Honeydew just for you! We makem right every day and night at Honeydew!"

He would see us on holidays and give me New York Giants stuff. He took us to see the EP-Lasalle Game on Thanksgiving one year. He would always be there in a pinch, like picking me up from school when I was sick if my mom had no way to get to me. He'd take us sometimes for ice cream with his little league team when I was young. But I wasn't really athletic or into sports and I think to a large degree we both kinda lost interest in each other due to that.

As his god-son, I always felt a special connection to my uncle, my family would sometimes quip that some part of my behavior was similar to his. But I would ask myself sometimes why he no longer spent much time with me, he had time for every boy in Riverside except his nephews. I was as much to blame for that as he was, in my teens I stopped really dealing with my extended family and we simply lived in different worlds. I found new role models in a few high school teachers that embraced me and for whom I had shared interests, which were on the intellectual side, not the athletic. A few years later, my youngest brother, a decade younger than me, would start to bond with 'Uncle Fred', and visit him at games, they shared a lot more common interests than I had with him.

I was never good at sports nor did I really have much interest in them. It was due to him that I even had a minor interest in football and his beloved New York Giants. Otherwise, I was happy when the school team won a game, but I kinda never really understood the place that sports seemed to have.

But then when he passed, I saw not just my family, but three generations of Riverside athletes mourn. Men who became coaches because of the effect that 'Big Al' had on them. Boys from age 6 to 17, as well as their fathers crying, the police and firefighters that were there when he was taken out of his house, crying. It took me until then to really get it. The sports wasn't the point, it was the love and the care and values that were instilled.

In some ways, it took this nephew and god son of his, for him to pass in order for me to really understand him. Something I wish I understood better when he was still with us. But I hope that my small role in public life, including helping to support middle school athletics, does his legacy justice. I hope also, in the near future when my own life is stable, to perhaps be a 'big brother' or do something else to support youth the way that he did and the way I wish I had as a fatherless boy. It would be a small drop in the bucket compared to the effect that he had, but I hope my actions and my life honors his memory and makes him proud of his god son.