Vulnerability

I've been having a very rough few weeks. After a short period of stability, the darkness of depression has hit me hard most evenings in the last few weeks. I could claim it has to do with my mom being in the hospital, but if I'm honest it started well before then.

I feel broken, and I think it is so true that is does give you the ability to build yourself back up again, however, I just don't know how to go about it. I am lost and I feel trapped.

I told a friend last night that I feel like Asperger's locks me in a room and in that room I am stalked by my depression. It is so difficult to deal with the way these two afflictions feed off of each other.


My sense of identity is shattered, it is shards on the floor at my feet. I am trying to re-forge them without getting cut by them and I am struggling.

I can't help but feel like I have a major gap in my life and I don't know how to fill it. I'd like to this is another example of where Asperger's and Depression feed off of each other. The Asperger's makes it difficult for me to meet and engage new people in order to date, and the depression drains me of the energy to overcome it and makes it seem hopeless. Add to that the level of doubt that this would even be the right time in my life to have a partner and it just completely stalls the process.

I don't know who I am, and even more difficult, I'm not even sure who I want to be. How does one forge a weapon without knowing if he wants a sword or a battle-axe? How does a painter paint when he doesn't know if he wants to make a portrait or a seascape? I just know I can't stay as the puddle of emotion that I am right now, nor descend into the numbing darkness on a nightly basis, if I want to survive.

Christmas Spirit

If I'm not in the Christmas Spirit this year, it is because too much is amiss for it to truly feel like Christmas. I am deeply impacted by my mother not being home yet, but that isn't the only thing wrong.

2015 is the year that I decided to be honest with myself and with the people in my life. So I'm going to say right now that if this is too honest for you, I apologize for making you feel bad, but not for actually saying it.

Most of the people in this country, including a lot of people on my friends list, have lost the true meaning of this holiday. If you celebrate Christmas tomorrow stuffing your face while railing against helping the poor or refugees, you are a hypocrite. If you open presents tomorrow, while supporting politicians that keep cutting veteran's benefits, you are a hypocrite. If you talk about love and peace this holiday season and then embrace a man like Donald Trump, you are a hypocrite. If you get offended because someone says Happy Holidays and you think your Christian majority gives you the right to hear Merry Christmas on demand, you are a hypocrite.

As someone who was raised Catholic and who, while not fully believing in the church and all of man's interpretations, still embraces the Lord. I am shocked and ashamed this holiday season at what I see on the news, and even more so, by what I see on my news feed! What would Jesus do is not just a cool bumper sticker slogan, if you are Christian it should be your way of thinking. Did Jesus say to help those in need, only when they are in the same geopolitical state as you? When Jesus fed the hungry, did he create a welfare state?

I was talking with a person whose excuse for not practicing WWJD was that he gave to charity already this year, implying that he is free from obligation the rest of the year.
 
I am not a socialist or a communist, I am not saying that you or I can't have any luxuries or spend money on enjoyment. However, look at what you say your priorities are (education for your children, military/vet benefits, homelessness) and then look at where you put your time and money, do they line up? Look at the values you espouse of peace, love and good will, then look at how you act and the positions you take, do they line up?

America is great because of it's rugged individualism, but perhaps we need that with just a small infusion of Asian culture of obligation to greater society.

I left the private sector for the public sector, in part because I had serious moral quandaries about the actions I was taking in order to drive simple profit for the already super rich. I am not perfect in how I live either, but I at-least see that and have tried to make a change.

Please take today and maybe tomorrow to look at yourselves closely, are you really in the holiday spirit? do you really grasp what this day is about? How will you change yourself to better follow the message of the man whose birth you are celebrating.

The Dancing Cop

Let me first start off by saying that if you are expecting a scathing rebuke of Tony Lepore or a political rant about civil rights and race relations, you may be disappointed. I have posted a lot on both issues on Facebook, but that is not what this blog is for. This is a story about me and it's a story that starts a long time ago and just happened to come up most recently with the Lepore incident.

Rewind to last Friday when I start hearing tidbits about the 'Dancing Cop' coming to East Providence, after his services were not renewed by the City of Providence. This instantly upset me, more for the budget implications and the waste I felt it was, than for the racial issues. And for the fact that Mr. Lepore often creates traffic rather than alleviate it.

Saturday, news stories started to hit about the Dancing Cop being hired for the Looff Carousel Tree Lighting and then for a two week stint directing traffic on Taunton Avenue in front of City Hall. I decided that it shouldn't stand. So Saturday evening, I alerted a friend to the news, knowing that he would organize against Lepore. That friend did what I expected and very effectively, including reaching out to elements in Providence who were behind the protests against Lepore there. I helped spread the word about the protests, but I also made sure that word got to some of our elected officials in the hopes that they would re-consider and intervene.

I know many people, whether for or against Lepore, did not like the idea of protesting at the Carousel because it was a 'children's event'. I had mixed feelings about this myself, but I do think that peacefully organizing is a key part of democracy and children should see it, not be sheltered. However, it was my hope that word of the protest alone would be enough and it wouldn't have to actually happen.

Lepore did back out of the event after being alerted of the situation by ceremonial Mayor Tommy Rose, saying he was (needlessly) worried about the children's safety. However Lepore had a lot of inflammatory comments to make toward the protesters and #BlackLivesMatter. He also said at the time that he still planned to direct traffic outside of City Hall and even started stating his schedule and the pay that he had worked out with the ceremonial Mayor that should not be negotiating such things. This led me to focus once again on the practices of our city in regards to hiring and contractor selection. The city council ended up deciding not to even bring Lepore's hiring up to a vote after protesters directed their energy at city hall, and Tony's days in EP were done before they began. I was very happy for this victory for sanity, racial unity and fiscal responsibility.

However, something weird started happening, as I began to hear Lepore on the news, I began to feel bad. I started thinking of him living on a modest pension, the 30 year tradition of holiday dancing and how much this activity meant to this man and to others. As protesters were getting ready to descend on City Hall to make their voice heard on the matter, I was in my room literally crying and shaking from the conflict of emotions inside me. Now, it is important to note that I missed my pills in the morning, so this isn't completely the effect of Mr. Lepore's persuasiveness. I was lucky to have a great friend once again help me through it. But it highlighted something that has always been there, like my own shadow, well before Mr. Lepore, and that is my pervasive feelings of guilt and regret.

It occurs to me now that this has been a demon stalking me since I could remember. When I was very little, I would get cold sometimes, but if my mom or grandma didn't tuck me in, I didn't cover myself because it would violate the tradition. What happens if I cover myself and their feelings are hurt? When I did give in and cover myself, I felt immensely guilty, like I had taken something away from them.

I go to sleep at night often haunted by these thoughts of guilt, of people that I perceive that I've wronged and failures I've had that have let myself and others down.

I did not and do not want Mr. Lepore blacklisted forever, even though he himself protested to get a 17 year old Dunkin Donuts worker fired. I am not an 'eye for an eye' person and I believe in forgiveness. I believe that people deserve another chance to start over and begin again fresh. Mr. Lepore will not be in East Providence and I am happy for that, but I do hope for him to find a community where he can perform his act and start his tradition anew.

But where Mr. Lepore may get a fresh start, I am still seeking mine. I think I have mostly lifted the burden of guilt about my father, but I still have a lot more that remains. How do I move forward? How do I get a fresh start? Am I just wired to feel this way or is there a psychological issue to resolve? Is there a root cause to be fixed or do I need to exorcise each of these demons one by one? Someday, Mr. Lepore may get his chance at redemption, I just hope that I get a chance at mine.