Entrepreneurial Spirit

I wish sometimes that I had that entrepreneurial spirit. That motivation to build and go after business and hopefully make a ton of money. But I do not, that's just not me.

Money has never been a driving force in my life, I of course want to earn a decent wage to provide for myself and take care of my needs, but I don't need to be rich or wealthy, that's just not something I feel like working toward.

I am proud to earn money through hard work doing something that contributes back to the community and to volunteer my extra time doing the same.

I have been told on occasion that I have a keen business mind and that I could go into business for myself and potentially make a lot of money. Personally, my particular skills are usually better applied at analyzing and improving upon existing business operations. Further as I said above, I have no drive or motivation to launch into business ventures.

I spent 10 years of my life in the private workforce, in the pursuit of money (for someone else), including high pressure sales, cutting operations to the bone despite being financially successful, etc. For someone who wants to move up in that world, it is great. If you want to be the next Tom Ryan at CVS, working from a store all the way to CEO, knock yourself out, I won't be in your way. For someone who wants to be the next Sam Walton and build a multi-national multi billion dollar company up from the ground, starting with one '5 and Dime'. Again knock yourself out. I have nothing against any of that, but it's just not me.

I have nothing against private industry, I am fine with people making money. I believe in regulating the excesses, but I'm not for socialism. That said, what makes me feel good every day isn't the size of my paycheck or the value of my stock options. It's spending the day helping people, increasing efficiency so that more value is added for every dollar and I've found a job where I'm doing that not to make a billionaire more money, but to make that dollar go further for children's education and value for tax payers. And so I can come hope each day satisfied with myself.

Rememberance

Today, I got to be a small part of a beautiful ceremony to commemorate the passing of my great uncle and god-father, Alfred 'Big Al' Santie. My uncle passed 8 years ago on October 8th and it took till now for him to get a proper gravestone. To be honest, it doesn't even feel like he's been gone that long.

I remember that I was at CVS in Riverside, I wasn't working, I had dropped in to discuss some things with the Store Manager at the time. I got a call from my mom to come home quickly. When I got home, she broke the news to me. He had been ill on and off, diabetes having taken its toll on him, but he was still active and no one had seen it coming.

His passing was a Riverside tragedy, people were literally lined up out the door and around the block at the wake. So many of them, men and boys that he had coached over the years, touched by his friendship, mentoring and guidance. Many I knew from various aspects of life and many I did not.

Like myself, my uncle had a way of keeping various parts of his life separate. My grandmother (his sister) and my mom would say how we'd find out years later about girlfriends he had, etc. And while I did occasionally meet the kids on his teams, that too was like a different world to me.

For me, he wasn't 'Big Al' he was 'Uncle Fred'. How that came about, I'm not sure, but it is interesting that he came to even go by a different name, to in some ways, further highlight the separation of these aspects of him. In a life where I had few male role-models, he was one of the closest things I had to one. When I was younger, he would pick me up and drop me off at school in his truck. It would always be the same time in the morning and the Honeydew Donuts commercial would come on. It still stays in my head today "Honeydew, the world's best donuts, Honeydew just for you! We makem right every day and night at Honeydew!"

He would see us on holidays and give me New York Giants stuff. He took us to see the EP-Lasalle Game on Thanksgiving one year. He would always be there in a pinch, like picking me up from school when I was sick if my mom had no way to get to me. He'd take us sometimes for ice cream with his little league team when I was young. But I wasn't really athletic or into sports and I think to a large degree we both kinda lost interest in each other due to that.

As his god-son, I always felt a special connection to my uncle, my family would sometimes quip that some part of my behavior was similar to his. But I would ask myself sometimes why he no longer spent much time with me, he had time for every boy in Riverside except his nephews. I was as much to blame for that as he was, in my teens I stopped really dealing with my extended family and we simply lived in different worlds. I found new role models in a few high school teachers that embraced me and for whom I had shared interests, which were on the intellectual side, not the athletic. A few years later, my youngest brother, a decade younger than me, would start to bond with 'Uncle Fred', and visit him at games, they shared a lot more common interests than I had with him.

I was never good at sports nor did I really have much interest in them. It was due to him that I even had a minor interest in football and his beloved New York Giants. Otherwise, I was happy when the school team won a game, but I kinda never really understood the place that sports seemed to have.

But then when he passed, I saw not just my family, but three generations of Riverside athletes mourn. Men who became coaches because of the effect that 'Big Al' had on them. Boys from age 6 to 17, as well as their fathers crying, the police and firefighters that were there when he was taken out of his house, crying. It took me until then to really get it. The sports wasn't the point, it was the love and the care and values that were instilled.

In some ways, it took this nephew and god son of his, for him to pass in order for me to really understand him. Something I wish I understood better when he was still with us. But I hope that my small role in public life, including helping to support middle school athletics, does his legacy justice. I hope also, in the near future when my own life is stable, to perhaps be a 'big brother' or do something else to support youth the way that he did and the way I wish I had as a fatherless boy. It would be a small drop in the bucket compared to the effect that he had, but I hope my actions and my life honors his memory and makes him proud of his god son.

In a Weird Place...

It's been a while since I've written a blog post, and perhaps that's because there's so much going on that it's hard to pick a topic that stands out. On the other hand, since this blog is supposed to be a form of self-therapy and self-discovery, perhaps it also means that so little is going on in that respect.

I don't think it is coincidence that a month hiatus from professional therapy (my therapist was away), coincides largely with the hiatus from posting on here. But now we are back in the somewhat normal routine (albeit later in the day since I work on Wednesdays now).

I guess I am in a weird place because a new 'normal' is still being established, I'm very much a creature of habit and my habits have in a large way been wiped clean. Even the normal of the deep illness and depression I suffered for a few months in the spring/early summer has been supplanted.

After that I went back to Sam's Club for a couple of weeks, but since I had given my notice, even those two weeks were not in the norm that I had prior to my leave of absence.

I definitely enjoy my new job, but the structure of my life is just now starting to normalize. Little things that both together and due to my nature, seem big. Things like being off on the weekends, instead of weekends being prime-time. Things like the commute and the time I wake-up. None of these are 'bad' but they are different and it still doesn't feel normal or permanent, it still feels more like a temporary alternate assignment. I went through this in the transition between CVS and Sam's Club as well.

Then there are the bigger things like being around a whole new group of people, an entirely different work atmosphere and an institution with vastly different goals. I like the new people I've met and I've been treated extremely well. I also like that every mistake or mis-step isn't a federal case like it seems to be in my retail experience. I do miss my colleagues from Sam's Club however.

The work atmosphere is a really positive change from retail, I feel like I'm part of something really important and good. The culture, all the people and the internal politics are a learning experience that I'm still navigating, but there's been nothing negative that's come out if it yet.

And so, while I'm still battling bouts of depression and still battling the feelings of isolation I feel in my personal life. The cement hasn't really settled and dried yet on my new situation to really even know how I feel overall.

Hopefully more good to follow!