Vulnerability

I've been having a very rough few weeks. After a short period of stability, the darkness of depression has hit me hard most evenings in the last few weeks. I could claim it has to do with my mom being in the hospital, but if I'm honest it started well before then.

I feel broken, and I think it is so true that is does give you the ability to build yourself back up again, however, I just don't know how to go about it. I am lost and I feel trapped.

I told a friend last night that I feel like Asperger's locks me in a room and in that room I am stalked by my depression. It is so difficult to deal with the way these two afflictions feed off of each other.


My sense of identity is shattered, it is shards on the floor at my feet. I am trying to re-forge them without getting cut by them and I am struggling.

I can't help but feel like I have a major gap in my life and I don't know how to fill it. I'd like to this is another example of where Asperger's and Depression feed off of each other. The Asperger's makes it difficult for me to meet and engage new people in order to date, and the depression drains me of the energy to overcome it and makes it seem hopeless. Add to that the level of doubt that this would even be the right time in my life to have a partner and it just completely stalls the process.

I don't know who I am, and even more difficult, I'm not even sure who I want to be. How does one forge a weapon without knowing if he wants a sword or a battle-axe? How does a painter paint when he doesn't know if he wants to make a portrait or a seascape? I just know I can't stay as the puddle of emotion that I am right now, nor descend into the numbing darkness on a nightly basis, if I want to survive.

Christmas Spirit

If I'm not in the Christmas Spirit this year, it is because too much is amiss for it to truly feel like Christmas. I am deeply impacted by my mother not being home yet, but that isn't the only thing wrong.

2015 is the year that I decided to be honest with myself and with the people in my life. So I'm going to say right now that if this is too honest for you, I apologize for making you feel bad, but not for actually saying it.

Most of the people in this country, including a lot of people on my friends list, have lost the true meaning of this holiday. If you celebrate Christmas tomorrow stuffing your face while railing against helping the poor or refugees, you are a hypocrite. If you open presents tomorrow, while supporting politicians that keep cutting veteran's benefits, you are a hypocrite. If you talk about love and peace this holiday season and then embrace a man like Donald Trump, you are a hypocrite. If you get offended because someone says Happy Holidays and you think your Christian majority gives you the right to hear Merry Christmas on demand, you are a hypocrite.

As someone who was raised Catholic and who, while not fully believing in the church and all of man's interpretations, still embraces the Lord. I am shocked and ashamed this holiday season at what I see on the news, and even more so, by what I see on my news feed! What would Jesus do is not just a cool bumper sticker slogan, if you are Christian it should be your way of thinking. Did Jesus say to help those in need, only when they are in the same geopolitical state as you? When Jesus fed the hungry, did he create a welfare state?

I was talking with a person whose excuse for not practicing WWJD was that he gave to charity already this year, implying that he is free from obligation the rest of the year.
 
I am not a socialist or a communist, I am not saying that you or I can't have any luxuries or spend money on enjoyment. However, look at what you say your priorities are (education for your children, military/vet benefits, homelessness) and then look at where you put your time and money, do they line up? Look at the values you espouse of peace, love and good will, then look at how you act and the positions you take, do they line up?

America is great because of it's rugged individualism, but perhaps we need that with just a small infusion of Asian culture of obligation to greater society.

I left the private sector for the public sector, in part because I had serious moral quandaries about the actions I was taking in order to drive simple profit for the already super rich. I am not perfect in how I live either, but I at-least see that and have tried to make a change.

Please take today and maybe tomorrow to look at yourselves closely, are you really in the holiday spirit? do you really grasp what this day is about? How will you change yourself to better follow the message of the man whose birth you are celebrating.

The Dancing Cop

Let me first start off by saying that if you are expecting a scathing rebuke of Tony Lepore or a political rant about civil rights and race relations, you may be disappointed. I have posted a lot on both issues on Facebook, but that is not what this blog is for. This is a story about me and it's a story that starts a long time ago and just happened to come up most recently with the Lepore incident.

Rewind to last Friday when I start hearing tidbits about the 'Dancing Cop' coming to East Providence, after his services were not renewed by the City of Providence. This instantly upset me, more for the budget implications and the waste I felt it was, than for the racial issues. And for the fact that Mr. Lepore often creates traffic rather than alleviate it.

Saturday, news stories started to hit about the Dancing Cop being hired for the Looff Carousel Tree Lighting and then for a two week stint directing traffic on Taunton Avenue in front of City Hall. I decided that it shouldn't stand. So Saturday evening, I alerted a friend to the news, knowing that he would organize against Lepore. That friend did what I expected and very effectively, including reaching out to elements in Providence who were behind the protests against Lepore there. I helped spread the word about the protests, but I also made sure that word got to some of our elected officials in the hopes that they would re-consider and intervene.

I know many people, whether for or against Lepore, did not like the idea of protesting at the Carousel because it was a 'children's event'. I had mixed feelings about this myself, but I do think that peacefully organizing is a key part of democracy and children should see it, not be sheltered. However, it was my hope that word of the protest alone would be enough and it wouldn't have to actually happen.

Lepore did back out of the event after being alerted of the situation by ceremonial Mayor Tommy Rose, saying he was (needlessly) worried about the children's safety. However Lepore had a lot of inflammatory comments to make toward the protesters and #BlackLivesMatter. He also said at the time that he still planned to direct traffic outside of City Hall and even started stating his schedule and the pay that he had worked out with the ceremonial Mayor that should not be negotiating such things. This led me to focus once again on the practices of our city in regards to hiring and contractor selection. The city council ended up deciding not to even bring Lepore's hiring up to a vote after protesters directed their energy at city hall, and Tony's days in EP were done before they began. I was very happy for this victory for sanity, racial unity and fiscal responsibility.

However, something weird started happening, as I began to hear Lepore on the news, I began to feel bad. I started thinking of him living on a modest pension, the 30 year tradition of holiday dancing and how much this activity meant to this man and to others. As protesters were getting ready to descend on City Hall to make their voice heard on the matter, I was in my room literally crying and shaking from the conflict of emotions inside me. Now, it is important to note that I missed my pills in the morning, so this isn't completely the effect of Mr. Lepore's persuasiveness. I was lucky to have a great friend once again help me through it. But it highlighted something that has always been there, like my own shadow, well before Mr. Lepore, and that is my pervasive feelings of guilt and regret.

It occurs to me now that this has been a demon stalking me since I could remember. When I was very little, I would get cold sometimes, but if my mom or grandma didn't tuck me in, I didn't cover myself because it would violate the tradition. What happens if I cover myself and their feelings are hurt? When I did give in and cover myself, I felt immensely guilty, like I had taken something away from them.

I go to sleep at night often haunted by these thoughts of guilt, of people that I perceive that I've wronged and failures I've had that have let myself and others down.

I did not and do not want Mr. Lepore blacklisted forever, even though he himself protested to get a 17 year old Dunkin Donuts worker fired. I am not an 'eye for an eye' person and I believe in forgiveness. I believe that people deserve another chance to start over and begin again fresh. Mr. Lepore will not be in East Providence and I am happy for that, but I do hope for him to find a community where he can perform his act and start his tradition anew.

But where Mr. Lepore may get a fresh start, I am still seeking mine. I think I have mostly lifted the burden of guilt about my father, but I still have a lot more that remains. How do I move forward? How do I get a fresh start? Am I just wired to feel this way or is there a psychological issue to resolve? Is there a root cause to be fixed or do I need to exorcise each of these demons one by one? Someday, Mr. Lepore may get his chance at redemption, I just hope that I get a chance at mine.

Who I am... and what I don't want to be!

Last night, I stumbled upon a Facebook post that linked to a webpage about communicating with people that have Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. I didn't actually read it until this morning, but it hit me hard. The page I landed on was neuro-typical wives talking about their relationship with their Aspergers husband and I see myself so much in the descriptions.

Here are some excepts, these are all from different spouses:

"Hard to communicate with, doesn't like to be social, doesn't like change,never compliments me... He thinks I can read his mind because it seems so painful for him to communicate. Very passive-aggressive."

 "He will go to work but as soon as he gets home he shuts down."

 "I love social events but it is like Chinese water torture to him."

 "Lack of empathy, lack of affection , lack of communication, lack of support through very difficult times. Always always always feeling lonely in my marriage."

 "Missing the physical and articulate expressions of simple affection and of passionate curiosity of ones object of desire. It is like reading music when you know what the orchestra sounds like and seeing the branches move without the sound of the breeze."

 "Poor communication, defensiveness, rigid thinking and lack of empathy."

I've never been in a relationship before, and I'm 31 years old. I know I am scared of the initial rejection and so I don't put myself out there. In addition to the fact that I do not participate in many of the normal social events in which one finds a date.

But I also do fear what it would be like to be in a relationship, the mental energy it will require from me in order to actively not be like the men in the above quotes and the fear that I will end up being like that to someone and hurting them deeply.

I also feel like I am lonely and that I'm missing something important by not being in a relationship. But at the same time is that enough to 'inflict myself' on someone or to expose myself to the slew of rejections I'll receive or to endure social situations that I won't enjoy in the hopes of 'meeting someone'. I really have no idea.

Entrepreneurial Spirit

I wish sometimes that I had that entrepreneurial spirit. That motivation to build and go after business and hopefully make a ton of money. But I do not, that's just not me.

Money has never been a driving force in my life, I of course want to earn a decent wage to provide for myself and take care of my needs, but I don't need to be rich or wealthy, that's just not something I feel like working toward.

I am proud to earn money through hard work doing something that contributes back to the community and to volunteer my extra time doing the same.

I have been told on occasion that I have a keen business mind and that I could go into business for myself and potentially make a lot of money. Personally, my particular skills are usually better applied at analyzing and improving upon existing business operations. Further as I said above, I have no drive or motivation to launch into business ventures.

I spent 10 years of my life in the private workforce, in the pursuit of money (for someone else), including high pressure sales, cutting operations to the bone despite being financially successful, etc. For someone who wants to move up in that world, it is great. If you want to be the next Tom Ryan at CVS, working from a store all the way to CEO, knock yourself out, I won't be in your way. For someone who wants to be the next Sam Walton and build a multi-national multi billion dollar company up from the ground, starting with one '5 and Dime'. Again knock yourself out. I have nothing against any of that, but it's just not me.

I have nothing against private industry, I am fine with people making money. I believe in regulating the excesses, but I'm not for socialism. That said, what makes me feel good every day isn't the size of my paycheck or the value of my stock options. It's spending the day helping people, increasing efficiency so that more value is added for every dollar and I've found a job where I'm doing that not to make a billionaire more money, but to make that dollar go further for children's education and value for tax payers. And so I can come hope each day satisfied with myself.

Rememberance

Today, I got to be a small part of a beautiful ceremony to commemorate the passing of my great uncle and god-father, Alfred 'Big Al' Santie. My uncle passed 8 years ago on October 8th and it took till now for him to get a proper gravestone. To be honest, it doesn't even feel like he's been gone that long.

I remember that I was at CVS in Riverside, I wasn't working, I had dropped in to discuss some things with the Store Manager at the time. I got a call from my mom to come home quickly. When I got home, she broke the news to me. He had been ill on and off, diabetes having taken its toll on him, but he was still active and no one had seen it coming.

His passing was a Riverside tragedy, people were literally lined up out the door and around the block at the wake. So many of them, men and boys that he had coached over the years, touched by his friendship, mentoring and guidance. Many I knew from various aspects of life and many I did not.

Like myself, my uncle had a way of keeping various parts of his life separate. My grandmother (his sister) and my mom would say how we'd find out years later about girlfriends he had, etc. And while I did occasionally meet the kids on his teams, that too was like a different world to me.

For me, he wasn't 'Big Al' he was 'Uncle Fred'. How that came about, I'm not sure, but it is interesting that he came to even go by a different name, to in some ways, further highlight the separation of these aspects of him. In a life where I had few male role-models, he was one of the closest things I had to one. When I was younger, he would pick me up and drop me off at school in his truck. It would always be the same time in the morning and the Honeydew Donuts commercial would come on. It still stays in my head today "Honeydew, the world's best donuts, Honeydew just for you! We makem right every day and night at Honeydew!"

He would see us on holidays and give me New York Giants stuff. He took us to see the EP-Lasalle Game on Thanksgiving one year. He would always be there in a pinch, like picking me up from school when I was sick if my mom had no way to get to me. He'd take us sometimes for ice cream with his little league team when I was young. But I wasn't really athletic or into sports and I think to a large degree we both kinda lost interest in each other due to that.

As his god-son, I always felt a special connection to my uncle, my family would sometimes quip that some part of my behavior was similar to his. But I would ask myself sometimes why he no longer spent much time with me, he had time for every boy in Riverside except his nephews. I was as much to blame for that as he was, in my teens I stopped really dealing with my extended family and we simply lived in different worlds. I found new role models in a few high school teachers that embraced me and for whom I had shared interests, which were on the intellectual side, not the athletic. A few years later, my youngest brother, a decade younger than me, would start to bond with 'Uncle Fred', and visit him at games, they shared a lot more common interests than I had with him.

I was never good at sports nor did I really have much interest in them. It was due to him that I even had a minor interest in football and his beloved New York Giants. Otherwise, I was happy when the school team won a game, but I kinda never really understood the place that sports seemed to have.

But then when he passed, I saw not just my family, but three generations of Riverside athletes mourn. Men who became coaches because of the effect that 'Big Al' had on them. Boys from age 6 to 17, as well as their fathers crying, the police and firefighters that were there when he was taken out of his house, crying. It took me until then to really get it. The sports wasn't the point, it was the love and the care and values that were instilled.

In some ways, it took this nephew and god son of his, for him to pass in order for me to really understand him. Something I wish I understood better when he was still with us. But I hope that my small role in public life, including helping to support middle school athletics, does his legacy justice. I hope also, in the near future when my own life is stable, to perhaps be a 'big brother' or do something else to support youth the way that he did and the way I wish I had as a fatherless boy. It would be a small drop in the bucket compared to the effect that he had, but I hope my actions and my life honors his memory and makes him proud of his god son.

In a Weird Place...

It's been a while since I've written a blog post, and perhaps that's because there's so much going on that it's hard to pick a topic that stands out. On the other hand, since this blog is supposed to be a form of self-therapy and self-discovery, perhaps it also means that so little is going on in that respect.

I don't think it is coincidence that a month hiatus from professional therapy (my therapist was away), coincides largely with the hiatus from posting on here. But now we are back in the somewhat normal routine (albeit later in the day since I work on Wednesdays now).

I guess I am in a weird place because a new 'normal' is still being established, I'm very much a creature of habit and my habits have in a large way been wiped clean. Even the normal of the deep illness and depression I suffered for a few months in the spring/early summer has been supplanted.

After that I went back to Sam's Club for a couple of weeks, but since I had given my notice, even those two weeks were not in the norm that I had prior to my leave of absence.

I definitely enjoy my new job, but the structure of my life is just now starting to normalize. Little things that both together and due to my nature, seem big. Things like being off on the weekends, instead of weekends being prime-time. Things like the commute and the time I wake-up. None of these are 'bad' but they are different and it still doesn't feel normal or permanent, it still feels more like a temporary alternate assignment. I went through this in the transition between CVS and Sam's Club as well.

Then there are the bigger things like being around a whole new group of people, an entirely different work atmosphere and an institution with vastly different goals. I like the new people I've met and I've been treated extremely well. I also like that every mistake or mis-step isn't a federal case like it seems to be in my retail experience. I do miss my colleagues from Sam's Club however.

The work atmosphere is a really positive change from retail, I feel like I'm part of something really important and good. The culture, all the people and the internal politics are a learning experience that I'm still navigating, but there's been nothing negative that's come out if it yet.

And so, while I'm still battling bouts of depression and still battling the feelings of isolation I feel in my personal life. The cement hasn't really settled and dried yet on my new situation to really even know how I feel overall.

Hopefully more good to follow!

My Four 'Mentors' on Leadership.

I have often half-jokingly referred to my four mentors in leadership (previously three). But I think it's interesting to look at what attracts me to these figures. Two of them are 'real' and two of them are characters, they are well-written and superbly acted characters though and I still think I can learn from them.

So here they are.


Gordon Ramsay:

When I watched Hell's Kitchen years ago when it first came out, I was entranced. My mom and I watched it together usually for the first couple of seasons. This guy was hilarious, he was so cruel but I loved it. I started seeking out more from him. I watched his first TV entry 'Boiling Point' and saw how much heart he had to cooking and the industry. And then I watched the UK version of Kitchen Nightmares (the US version came out not too long afterward) and I saw how much he cared for people. Gordon was a tough perfectionist, but much like a drill sergeant, he does it to break people down and build them up stronger. This is seen a lot more in Kitchen Nightmares than in Hell's Kitchen and even then, a lot more in the UK version. It's also worth noting that Ramsay has built up a huge number of young chefs. He has a staggeringly small turnover rate in his restaurants, a high satisfaction rating and when he originally left the Aubergine restaurant, almost all the staff followed him and they had to temporarily shut down. Maybe these people just like abuse, or more likely, they know how much he cares and supports them and works to make them succeed.


Malcolm Tucker: (Played by the brilliant Peter Capaldi)

Malcolm is the newest addition to the lineup and probably the one that is the most different from the others. He is a bit more self-centered than the others. But his harshness and temper is a drive for the greater good. He is fighting to bring the country in the right direction. He is a true 'master of his universe' and knows where ALL the bodies are buried. He's a manipulator, he yells, he shouts and boy does he swear. But he does all this because he's protecting something he deeply believes in.


Gregory House: (Played by the wonderful Hugh Laurie)

When I went from CVS to Sam's Club, I shifted from a more Gordon Ramsay approach to a Greg House one, mainly because swearing and flipping out wasn't really acceptable, so my frustration took the form of more snide comments and sarcasm. However, House still has many similarities, he has a best friend and a team of people that he cares deeply about, even if he doesn't show it. His sarcasm hides his emotional pain, it keeps him separate from people. I think back to when House and Cuddy first got together and House said "Cause I'm the most screwed up person in the world" he probably isn't, even in that fictional universe, but I could identify with the sentiment and the feeling, and finally finding someone who will accept you for all your many faults.


Jeff Lewis (Flipping Out):

Jeff Lewis has been 'Flipping Out' for eight seasons. He has OCD and he isn't afraid to let people know what bothers him. He has issues with boundaries and professionalism. But over those eight seasons he's been on an incredible journey where he's actively tried to improve himself. I can identify with a lot of his struggle. He comes to love his staff, especially his core staff (Jenny, Zoila) like family, he even goes so far as to buy them cars, plastic surgery and get involved in their weddings. However, he also says some things that are incredibly inappropriate as well. As I've gotten closer to my now former co-workers, I can understand the blurring of colleagues and family in a way that I never could earlier on. He flips out still and he demands perfection, but his staff stay loyal to him because of the deep love that they all share.



I have been called a jerk or an ass more times than I can count, but many people have also said that I have a big heart as well. I find that these men above, both real and fictional, have helped me come to terms with and reconcile both of these sides. You can be tough, hard, sarcastic and even ruthless to achieve a greater good, protect what and who is important to you and help build up the people you care about. As long as you also show your heart from time to time.

Moving Forward

Yesterday, I said goodbye to my job of over 6 years. It has been a weird sort of two weeks since I gave my notice. I've felt a bit like a lame duck going around work, troubleshooting issues here and there, but unable to make any strategic changes, since I will not be there to see them through, and my successor has yet to be named. My famous or maybe infamous flash drive gave birth to a few new ones for the various people that will be assuming my functions. I guess that kind of speaks to how much of a remit I had. Not as easy, is transferring the information in my head, including but not limited to, how to use the various tools on those flash drives.

Yesterday was about trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible, in the Personnel world, in the Front-End world and around the club. I hope I set people up for success without me. I was very glad to hear that the previous Saturday's VIP event and tax-free weekend were very successful, even without me present (it was my birthday). Flashing back to the previous August VIP where I came in on my vacation to coordinate both the Front-End and Technology execution of the event. It gives me confidence that business continues without me and pride that I have done something right in helping build a new crop of leaders.

Yesterday was also a day of goodbyes, a day where I got my traditional 'good bye' custom cake. The choice they made for me was, not surprisingly a cat, which somewhat fittingly bore some resemblance to Oscar the Grouch according to some. It also included the phrase "we'll meow-iss you" and had my customary laugh as 'ha-ha' around parts of the cake on sugar paper.

Saying bye is hard, but unlike my job before Sam's, I leave this job with my head held high, and able to say some proper goodbyes. I leave a different person than when I came in, and much better for the time I spend and the people I met. It has been the support of my 'Sam's Club family' that has allowed me to begin the process of healing myself and exploring who I am, including doing this project. While I do have some friends and people I keep in touch with from my previous employment, I feel that Sam's Club is different, it will always be special, and it is something I don't expect to happen again.

In my email to the associates I am leaving, I likened my departure to a kid leaving for college, and I think that is an apt metaphor because I feel that while I have 'left the house' I will never really leave the family, even if I don't see them nearly as frequently. I will not name anyone here because there's so many people that have made a huge difference for me, but you all know who you are.

I would be remiss if I didn't say something about the company itself. Sam's Club, as many of you know, is a division of Walmart. Walmart, especially the Walmart US division, gets a lot of media flack and bad publicity. I want to say that I was always treated fairly and well at Sam's Club. While I don't always agree with every policy of the company, no one I know agrees with their employer 100% of the time. The important thing however was that the company and management always acted ethically and the company both followed the law and went beyond to ensure employees are protected. The company took a risk on hiring me when  no one else would and always followed its core belief of respect for the individual. The company has always shown respect for my uniqueness, including working though my Asperger's traits and embracing my mental talents while not holding my lack of physical talents against me. There will always be, in a chain as large as Walmart/Sam's Club, store management or market management that do not do the right thing, but the company doesn't deserve the negative reputation that it gets.

I had a great six year run with too many amazing people to count, and I feel like I'm leaving at the right time. I will leave you all with a quote from Malcolm Tucker of The Thick of It (played by the always awesome Peter Capaldi), it does include expletives.

Malcolm Tucker: It is possible to have a good resignation, you know?!

Hugh: A good resignation? Well, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell this to me!

Malcolm: Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know; steely jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before you get to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go!", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, eh? What a way to go!

Thank you everyone and we will see each other again...

My-Bi-Oh-My

Warning, this blog post contains frank discussion of sexuality and may potentially be somewhat graphic. If you are afraid that Jesus will drop a bomb on you because of the discussion of sexuality or same-sex relationships, stop reading here.

Since I started puberty I've been interested in girls/women. I would say maybe 5th or 6th grade. A girl's breasts were particularly a fixation of mine. There's a common expression, are you an "ass or tits guy" and I was definitely the latter. Though I have come to appreciate a fine behind.

Because my urges and attractions were so strongly associated with females and a particular feature of female anatomy, I quickly identified as straight. It was probably sometime around the middle of high school when I started looking at guys somewhat sexually, and it was a far more gradual process. This led to a lot of confusion on my part. I've always looked at sexuality as a spectrum and do not subscribe to the idea that a lot of people hang at the radical ends of straight or gay. Rather I think most people have a little bit of attraction to the same sex, even if they are predominantly straight. I think this is how I rationalized a lot of the attractions I was feeling. For me again, it started with the chest, great pecs were my main fixation. I tended to be interested in kinda effeminate boys or at-least not rugged looking ones, again I rationalized that there was some beauty in them that was androgynous. A curious thing for me looking back was how little I actually thought about the sexual organs, I didn't think of the vagina too much really, or the penis. I knew I wanted to stick mine into a girl, and I knew the technical mechanics of where it would go, but it's not something I really fixated on. The same went for guys, I knew I had some attraction, but I did not really think of what I would do with one, later on the thought of getting oral sex from either gender had appeal, but I was more focused on the attractiveness of the body and more of the secondary sexual characteristics instead of the genitals. The one exception I had was a fascination with testicles, mine and other boys, but this fascination wasn't really sexualized until much later on.

As I got older, my sexuality, for lack of a better word, matured. I started to look at girls as a complete package, tits were still great, but I started to appreciate the ass, legs and of course the vagina. The same also happened with guys, I began to appreciate more types of guys, though still liking 'twinks', appreciating the male ass and thinking of anal sex and appreciating the penis. It is a weird sensation to see a penis and want to immediately suck it. Another recent development in the last couple of years is a change in my role. I always wanted to be the stud, poking both girls and guys. However now I have found myself more and more liking the idea of being the one penetrated, dominated to a degree and held by a stronger, more masculine man. It is again an odd sensation that I am learning to live with. 

So for me, while I have not really been open about my bi-sexuality prior to this, I really find my situation to be more fluid than that label may really allow anyway. I feel, even at age 30 that my sexuality is still evolving. I did 'hide in the closet' a bit, but to be honest, for a lot of my life, I didn't even know I was in one.

I think it's important to note, and perhaps more embarrassing than coming out as bi-sexual. That I have not had any sexual relationship with either gender. Those of you that know my struggle with social situations and my suspected Aspergers, can probably understand why to some degree. But I am hoping that being honest with who I am will leave me in both a healthier mental state to have a relationship and build my confidence with doing so.

An Analysis of James Kirk the Father - Part 2: You Klingon bastards, you've killed my son!

If you haven't seen Star Trek III, here's a spoiler, David is killed.

David is part of an expedition on the Genesis planet that is exploring the results of the project. Indeed life had flourished on Genesis, however as an unstable rate. The planet is tearing itself apart, because David had 'cheated' in the creation of Genesis. Much like his father had during the Kobayashi Maru.

Kirk meanwhile steals his ship to go to the Genesis planet in the hopes of recovering Spock. The Klingons come for Genesis and when Kirk arrives, a confrontation ensues. The Klingons take David, Saavik (also on the expedition) and a newly re-born Spock (without the consciousness or memories) hostage. David calls Genesis a failure, he quips "I don't think they'll kill for it". Has he ever met a Klingon? Kruge orders a hostage killed, David attempts to defend Saavik and Spock and is killed in the process.

Before we go into Kirk's reaction, I want to talk about Commander Kruge for a minute. Kruge is not your typical blood-thirsty Klingon. He is violent but he is calculating about it. He is smart and sees Genesis potential as a weapon. He specifically did not want the Grissom to be destroyed. This is a very calculating Klingon, not a mere brute. Kruge is also gracious in accepting Kirk's surrender. I honestly don't think that Kruge would have killed a hostage at that time had he known that Kirk had personal connections to them. I'm sure he would have if he was pushed by Kirk, but not merely from David's flippant remark.

So we have now, one of Shatner's strongest performances. Kirk, stumbles back to his seat and misses, falling to the floor muttering "You Klingon bastards, you've killed my son" Kirk is devastated, but he must recover quickly because the lives of his crew and the hostages is at-stake.

Father and son, brought together so briefly and separated so quickly and cruelly. There isn't much interaction between David and Kirk in this movie. But I think Kirk's reaction says enough. Kirk is devastated, and it follows him for the rest of the movies.

So what does this mean in relation to my father? There's a few notable parallels in the David-Kirk relationship as well as a few things that are flipped. In that sense, the movie always struck an odd cord for me. Firstly, though this is only for the last few years, there's a death, in this case it's the father, in Star Trek's case it's the son. However both were sudden and while it's not unusual for a father to die before his son, my father was not old and predeceased his own father (my grandfather). There's also the brevity of the relationship. But the hardest thing is what that relationship had that my relationship didn't. David and Kirk both see each other at some of their lowest points, their biggest failures, their hardest challenges, and both exceed the others expectations in those moments. I did not get the fortune of seeing my father at his best, as a fantastic step-dad, as completely sober, as someone that could balance business and family. Another family got to see that and got to experience that before his passing. It was only in his near death that he thought of me and my brother.

However, there is hope in Star Trek, the running thread that connects all 6 movies, and even Kirk's role in Generations, is the aging of the crew. Kirk is unhappy with his career because he's advanced too far! He's out of the captain's chair and he's unfamiliar with new technology. Kirk needs glasses to read. But more importantly, is the decisions of the past come back to haunt Kirk and crew. Khan, his relationship with the Klingons, etc. David is just one of those threads, and his death re-iterates Kirk's sacrifice of family to his life of service. But while Kirk lost both his son David and the Enterprise itself in Star Trek III, he did gain something for the effort, he re-gained Spock. And that is the ultimate lesson of Star Trek III and the movie series as a whole. family isn't always a wife or a biological child, it can be those who you've grown so close to in your life that you would die for them and they would die for you. Not just Kirk, but the whole 'bridge crew' threw their careers away, committed treason and theft, risked their lives out of loyalty to Kirk and love of Spock. Ultimately that is as close to family as anything gets. I am blessed to have my mom, my brothers, my grandma and Abbey. I am also blessed to have some amazing surrogate families in my life as well. Whether or not we are working together or not, close or miles away. Perhaps I have learned not to watch Star Trek for a father-son relationship that I can't change, but rather for the importance of my 'crew' the family that I have chosen to accept into my life and those who have accepted me.

An Analysis of James Kirk the Father - Part 1: "Listen, kiddo, Jim Kirk was many things, but he was never a Boy Scout!"

Star Trek has been a passion for me ever since I can remember. I loved outer space and Star Trek played into that, it also played into my love of order and things like ranks and command structures. Star Trek: The Next Generation was my 'contemporary' Star Trek growing up, and still my favorite. However I also grew up with the movies from the original cast. In some ways, I like the original cast's movies even more than the original show.

For those of you that know a lot about Star Trek, you know that there's a thread of continuity through the movies, even though they all tell their own story. Particularly 2nd through the 4th movie follows a particular arc. While I could talk about Star Trek all day, this blog has a point about finding myself, and it is on that point that I want to hone in on Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, while also touching here and there on the others. Particularly, I want to examine the relationship between Admiral Kirk and his son David Marcus.

David was not part of the show at all, neither was his mother Dr. Carol Marcus. To introduce characters like this in a movie could seem contrived, but in this case it was very well done. Firstly it works because we know that the Kirk of the series days was a 'girl in every port' kind of guy, so it's not out of character for him to have gotten a woman pregnant on the fly. It also works because it's written very naturally and played very well by the actors involved.

When we meet David, he is following in the footsteps of his mother, a scientist, working with her on the Genesis project. It's a Star Trek movie so it doesn't take long for trouble to start. A Starfleet ship is coming to try and take Genesis, supposedly with orders from Admiral Kirk. David is outraged, he doesn't know Kirk is his father at this point, but already thinks of him as an asshole.

Carol contacts Kirk and he comes to the rescue, leading to father and son coming together for the first time. While on the surface, David is very much his mother's son. It doesn't take too long for Kirk and David to show quite a similar temperament, which leads to a lot of confrontation. The introduction of father and son comes in the form of David mistaking Kirk's intentions and attacking Kirk. While not a trained fighter, David is as quick to defend what is important to him as Kirk is. Other similarities come into play as well, including them both sharing the propensity to break the rules to achieve their desired results. ST:II and to a lesser extent III, have an under-current theme of the 'Kobayashi Maru' or the no-win scenario. Kirk wouldn't accept it in his academy test or in his career, David would not accept it in the creation of Genesis. In both cases, they eventually had to face reality that you can't always cheat your way out.

There is a great debate, especially in the genetic age we live in, of nature vs nurture. How much does someone's genetic stock matter versus the conditions they were raised in and the education they received. Star Trek presents us an interesting take that bares similarities on my own situation. Here is David, who has the scientific passions of his mother, understandable, both the nature and nurture are present for that to happen. But on the other side, a personality, a strong will, a determination and a selflessness (we'll talk about later) very much like his father. His father that he had no contact with and didn't even know was his father until well after his formative years.

I personally had little connection to my own father growing up, even when he was still living with us, he was sort of there only physically. But I do remember enjoying spending time at his shop when he owned his own business and like him I liked to tinker with mechanical things. I found out after his death that we both concurrently developed a love of technology and doing things like building our own computers, even though at that time we had no contact with each other.

By the end of Star Trek II, Kirk has gained a son but has lost a brother. His first no-win situation. This allows David to see Kirk's humanity and for them to develop a respect for each other. This was always something that struck me and stayed with me because, in this situation that paralleled a lot of my own relationship with my father, this is the conclusion that I never got. He never showed any care for me from the day he stopped showing up to see me (unlike Carol Marcus, my mom actually encouraged him to see us) until about a month before his passing, when he wanted to finally see me. I can see him intellectually as the very intelligent man that I knew he was, putting everything into his work (another similarity we share). I can remember some good times we had camping, miniature golfing,  But for me, I can never get the image out of my mind of him coming home and sitting in front of the TV with a beer, completely dis-interested. That beer was the symbol of him. Maybe I've overblown that one aspect in him, much like David saw Kirk as a warmonger of a militant Starfleet. But David got to see much more of his father at his best that I ever will.

This story isn't over yet though! We will explore ST:III next time!

Asperger's Speaks...

I didn't become aware that Dan Aykroyd had Aspergers until a couple of years ago. Around the time I was really exploring the idea that I may be someone that possesses those traits.

I just saw online that he was asked about it, and while he describes his case as mild and that he considers himself lucky to have been able to really channel it creatively, you could still see the emotion on his face and the holding back of tears.

It was particularly moving to me because Dan Aykroyd played a big role in my childhood, my taste in film and my sense of humor. I can't count how many times I've seen both Ghostbusters movies, Dragnet, Blues Brothers, etc.

I am reminded of when, in Ghostbusters II, after the slime comes out of the bathtub, he exclaims "That's Great!" thinking of the scientific implications, and then catches himself "I mean, that's terrible!". That is a frequent challenge of mine as well, and I suspect if was a case of the actor informing the character, especially since Aykroyd helped write the script. It is not that he didn't care about Dana and Oscar, but it wasn't what his first reaction was to, since they were obviously safe, but in the world of the neuro-typical, his first exclamation was a social faux pas and seems cold and heartless. Yet those would be a few of the last adjectives I would use to describe the character.

I don't have an official diagnosis of Aspergers or ASD, but it is something that my therapist and I are exploring and something I have suspected for for a few years. I identify with a lot of the traits, especially as a child. This is something that, like Depression, I find is a topic that is difficult to discuss, with people seeming to often downplay it. I hope Dan opens up more publicly about this topic, I think it would be a big help to a lot of people.

When Taking Pills Is A Big Accomplishment

As I wake up this morning, I feel as I often do, like I'd rather have not woken up. By this I don't mean sleep in, I mean that I would have been fine with not waking up at all.

My morning routine, without work as a factor, is a lot more lax. This morning my new configuration of medication consists of 7 pills I must take. I eat some breakfast and postpone taking them.

Taking the pills requires a mental effort that I am having difficulty mustering, they are literally at my bedside to make it easy. Yet turning over that way and opening each bottle, even reading the label seems like lifting 100 pounds.

Abbey rubs her nose and chin on my face, encouraging me, showing me that I have at-least one reason to be here.

I'm itchy and I can feel the need to take my allergy pills, but it's so hard.

Why is it hard? obviously it's not physically hard. Is it that I don't want to face the reality that at age 30 I'm on as many pills as my mom and grandma? Does that really even matter? Is it because two of those pills are for diabetes, a disease that took my great uncle and god-father, a man loved by the local community, a disease for which my cousin is now looking for a kidney? and a disease that my lack of recent discipline and lack of self worth has allowed to somewhat slip from my control?

Or maybe it's because three of those pills are for my mental health, and depression still carries a stigma, even maybe with myself and anxiety is hard to reconcile with the 'master of the universe' that I like to see myself as, especially in my professional life. Maybe I know I have these afflictions intellectually, but I haven't really truly absorbed it.

As I take the pills I feel a relief of something difficult achieved, like I just checked off a major project on the to-do list. I don't understand why it was so hard.

The Beginning

My name's Jason, and I'm 30 years old. You probably know that already if you are reading this. Most likely this will mostly if not exclusively be read by people I know and who hopefully care about me. After all, why would strangers want to read about some guy? But who knows, maybe I'm incredibly interesting.

I am doing this both as a form of therapy for myself and as a way for others to understand my journey and potentially draw strength from it. I also want those close to me to really understand who I am, as I discover this to a large degree myself.

I've been treated medically for depression for about 4-5 years, I say medically because it was being treated by a physician using medication. I didn't actually start seeking therapy until a few months ago. My therapy, in concert with a lot of free time due to illness, has opened up a lot of questions for me and allowed me to really look at who I am, and discover that I've been largely hiding myself, and that in a lot of ways, I don't even know who I am.

One of the challenges that my therapist has given me is to learn more about my father, who was not really in my life and who has passed on. I thought for a long time that he was not really relevant to my life, but I'm starting to see that may not be the case. In addition to that quest, I'm also hoping to find what I want to do with my life and to separate the mask that I've been wearing from my real persona, which has been worn for so long they have become somewhat fused.


So here's some of the things to keep in mind for this blog, not really rules but up-front communication:

1. Just because I share something here does not mean that I will always feel like discussing it. I ask that if you have questions/comments, you leave them here and I can read them when I am in the correct frame of mind to do so. If you do bring something up in person, I may be fine talking about it or I may not, how I act if I am not may be abrupt.

2. I am often writing these posts as thoughts come to me. Unlike a lot of my writing, especially that those who know me may be used to, this blog may not always be neatly formatted, perfectly spelled, with immaculate grammar or great diction. Please do not comment on such, the point here is to share my thoughts, those thoughts will sometimes come fast, those thoughts will sometimes be jumbled. Deal with it.

3. I do not intend to follow a regular schedule with posting here. I tend to think of these things Wednesday after therapy or Thursday, so posts may often be on those days, but do not set that as an expectation. This is one of the few things in my life that's about me and I will post when I feel right to post.

4. You may not get to see everything or I may not be able to explain everything. I will not, unless really upset, call out people by name. I may refer vaguely to issues at work but never to people there and only in generality out of professionalism and in keeping with their social media policies. So please do not beg for more details in the comments. I may be willing to discuss details privately (but review point number one) if we have that level of trust.