Who I am... and what I don't want to be!

Last night, I stumbled upon a Facebook post that linked to a webpage about communicating with people that have Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. I didn't actually read it until this morning, but it hit me hard. The page I landed on was neuro-typical wives talking about their relationship with their Aspergers husband and I see myself so much in the descriptions.

Here are some excepts, these are all from different spouses:

"Hard to communicate with, doesn't like to be social, doesn't like change,never compliments me... He thinks I can read his mind because it seems so painful for him to communicate. Very passive-aggressive."

 "He will go to work but as soon as he gets home he shuts down."

 "I love social events but it is like Chinese water torture to him."

 "Lack of empathy, lack of affection , lack of communication, lack of support through very difficult times. Always always always feeling lonely in my marriage."

 "Missing the physical and articulate expressions of simple affection and of passionate curiosity of ones object of desire. It is like reading music when you know what the orchestra sounds like and seeing the branches move without the sound of the breeze."

 "Poor communication, defensiveness, rigid thinking and lack of empathy."

I've never been in a relationship before, and I'm 31 years old. I know I am scared of the initial rejection and so I don't put myself out there. In addition to the fact that I do not participate in many of the normal social events in which one finds a date.

But I also do fear what it would be like to be in a relationship, the mental energy it will require from me in order to actively not be like the men in the above quotes and the fear that I will end up being like that to someone and hurting them deeply.

I also feel like I am lonely and that I'm missing something important by not being in a relationship. But at the same time is that enough to 'inflict myself' on someone or to expose myself to the slew of rejections I'll receive or to endure social situations that I won't enjoy in the hopes of 'meeting someone'. I really have no idea.