Vulnerability

I've been having a very rough few weeks. After a short period of stability, the darkness of depression has hit me hard most evenings in the last few weeks. I could claim it has to do with my mom being in the hospital, but if I'm honest it started well before then.

I feel broken, and I think it is so true that is does give you the ability to build yourself back up again, however, I just don't know how to go about it. I am lost and I feel trapped.

I told a friend last night that I feel like Asperger's locks me in a room and in that room I am stalked by my depression. It is so difficult to deal with the way these two afflictions feed off of each other.


My sense of identity is shattered, it is shards on the floor at my feet. I am trying to re-forge them without getting cut by them and I am struggling.

I can't help but feel like I have a major gap in my life and I don't know how to fill it. I'd like to this is another example of where Asperger's and Depression feed off of each other. The Asperger's makes it difficult for me to meet and engage new people in order to date, and the depression drains me of the energy to overcome it and makes it seem hopeless. Add to that the level of doubt that this would even be the right time in my life to have a partner and it just completely stalls the process.

I don't know who I am, and even more difficult, I'm not even sure who I want to be. How does one forge a weapon without knowing if he wants a sword or a battle-axe? How does a painter paint when he doesn't know if he wants to make a portrait or a seascape? I just know I can't stay as the puddle of emotion that I am right now, nor descend into the numbing darkness on a nightly basis, if I want to survive.