Rewind to last Friday when I start hearing tidbits about the 'Dancing Cop' coming to East Providence, after his services were not renewed by the City of Providence. This instantly upset me, more for the budget implications and the waste I felt it was, than for the racial issues. And for the fact that Mr. Lepore often creates traffic rather than alleviate it.
Saturday, news stories started to hit about the Dancing Cop being hired for the Looff Carousel Tree Lighting and then for a two week stint directing traffic on Taunton Avenue in front of City Hall. I decided that it shouldn't stand. So Saturday evening, I alerted a friend to the news, knowing that he would organize against Lepore. That friend did what I expected and very effectively, including reaching out to elements in Providence who were behind the protests against Lepore there. I helped spread the word about the protests, but I also made sure that word got to some of our elected officials in the hopes that they would re-consider and intervene.
I know many people, whether for or against Lepore, did not like the idea of protesting at the Carousel because it was a 'children's event'. I had mixed feelings about this myself, but I do think that peacefully organizing is a key part of democracy and children should see it, not be sheltered. However, it was my hope that word of the protest alone would be enough and it wouldn't have to actually happen.
Lepore did back out of the event after being alerted of the situation by ceremonial Mayor Tommy Rose, saying he was (needlessly) worried about the children's safety. However Lepore had a lot of inflammatory comments to make toward the protesters and #BlackLivesMatter. He also said at the time that he still planned to direct traffic outside of City Hall and even started stating his schedule and the pay that he had worked out with the ceremonial Mayor that should not be negotiating such things. This led me to focus once again on the practices of our city in regards to hiring and contractor selection. The city council ended up deciding not to even bring Lepore's hiring up to a vote after protesters directed their energy at city hall, and Tony's days in EP were done before they began. I was very happy for this victory for sanity, racial unity and fiscal responsibility.
However, something weird started happening, as I began to hear Lepore on the news, I began to feel bad. I started thinking of him living on a modest pension, the 30 year tradition of holiday dancing and how much this activity meant to this man and to others. As protesters were getting ready to descend on City Hall to make their voice heard on the matter, I was in my room literally crying and shaking from the conflict of emotions inside me. Now, it is important to note that I missed my pills in the morning, so this isn't completely the effect of Mr. Lepore's persuasiveness. I was lucky to have a great friend once again help me through it. But it highlighted something that has always been there, like my own shadow, well before Mr. Lepore, and that is my pervasive feelings of guilt and regret.
It occurs to me now that this has been a demon stalking me since I could remember. When I was very little, I would get cold sometimes, but if my mom or grandma didn't tuck me in, I didn't cover myself because it would violate the tradition. What happens if I cover myself and their feelings are hurt? When I did give in and cover myself, I felt immensely guilty, like I had taken something away from them.
I go to sleep at night often haunted by these thoughts of guilt, of people that I perceive that I've wronged and failures I've had that have let myself and others down.
I did not and do not want Mr. Lepore blacklisted forever, even though he himself protested to get a 17 year old Dunkin Donuts worker fired. I am not an 'eye for an eye' person and I believe in forgiveness. I believe that people deserve another chance to start over and begin again fresh. Mr. Lepore will not be in East Providence and I am happy for that, but I do hope for him to find a community where he can perform his act and start his tradition anew.
But where Mr. Lepore may get a fresh start, I am still seeking mine. I think I have mostly lifted the burden of guilt about my father, but I still have a lot more that remains. How do I move forward? How do I get a fresh start? Am I just wired to feel this way or is there a psychological issue to resolve? Is there a root cause to be fixed or do I need to exorcise each of these demons one by one? Someday, Mr. Lepore may get his chance at redemption, I just hope that I get a chance at mine.
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