Who I am... and what I don't want to be!

Last night, I stumbled upon a Facebook post that linked to a webpage about communicating with people that have Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. I didn't actually read it until this morning, but it hit me hard. The page I landed on was neuro-typical wives talking about their relationship with their Aspergers husband and I see myself so much in the descriptions.

Here are some excepts, these are all from different spouses:

"Hard to communicate with, doesn't like to be social, doesn't like change,never compliments me... He thinks I can read his mind because it seems so painful for him to communicate. Very passive-aggressive."

 "He will go to work but as soon as he gets home he shuts down."

 "I love social events but it is like Chinese water torture to him."

 "Lack of empathy, lack of affection , lack of communication, lack of support through very difficult times. Always always always feeling lonely in my marriage."

 "Missing the physical and articulate expressions of simple affection and of passionate curiosity of ones object of desire. It is like reading music when you know what the orchestra sounds like and seeing the branches move without the sound of the breeze."

 "Poor communication, defensiveness, rigid thinking and lack of empathy."

I've never been in a relationship before, and I'm 31 years old. I know I am scared of the initial rejection and so I don't put myself out there. In addition to the fact that I do not participate in many of the normal social events in which one finds a date.

But I also do fear what it would be like to be in a relationship, the mental energy it will require from me in order to actively not be like the men in the above quotes and the fear that I will end up being like that to someone and hurting them deeply.

I also feel like I am lonely and that I'm missing something important by not being in a relationship. But at the same time is that enough to 'inflict myself' on someone or to expose myself to the slew of rejections I'll receive or to endure social situations that I won't enjoy in the hopes of 'meeting someone'. I really have no idea.

Entrepreneurial Spirit

I wish sometimes that I had that entrepreneurial spirit. That motivation to build and go after business and hopefully make a ton of money. But I do not, that's just not me.

Money has never been a driving force in my life, I of course want to earn a decent wage to provide for myself and take care of my needs, but I don't need to be rich or wealthy, that's just not something I feel like working toward.

I am proud to earn money through hard work doing something that contributes back to the community and to volunteer my extra time doing the same.

I have been told on occasion that I have a keen business mind and that I could go into business for myself and potentially make a lot of money. Personally, my particular skills are usually better applied at analyzing and improving upon existing business operations. Further as I said above, I have no drive or motivation to launch into business ventures.

I spent 10 years of my life in the private workforce, in the pursuit of money (for someone else), including high pressure sales, cutting operations to the bone despite being financially successful, etc. For someone who wants to move up in that world, it is great. If you want to be the next Tom Ryan at CVS, working from a store all the way to CEO, knock yourself out, I won't be in your way. For someone who wants to be the next Sam Walton and build a multi-national multi billion dollar company up from the ground, starting with one '5 and Dime'. Again knock yourself out. I have nothing against any of that, but it's just not me.

I have nothing against private industry, I am fine with people making money. I believe in regulating the excesses, but I'm not for socialism. That said, what makes me feel good every day isn't the size of my paycheck or the value of my stock options. It's spending the day helping people, increasing efficiency so that more value is added for every dollar and I've found a job where I'm doing that not to make a billionaire more money, but to make that dollar go further for children's education and value for tax payers. And so I can come hope each day satisfied with myself.

Rememberance

Today, I got to be a small part of a beautiful ceremony to commemorate the passing of my great uncle and god-father, Alfred 'Big Al' Santie. My uncle passed 8 years ago on October 8th and it took till now for him to get a proper gravestone. To be honest, it doesn't even feel like he's been gone that long.

I remember that I was at CVS in Riverside, I wasn't working, I had dropped in to discuss some things with the Store Manager at the time. I got a call from my mom to come home quickly. When I got home, she broke the news to me. He had been ill on and off, diabetes having taken its toll on him, but he was still active and no one had seen it coming.

His passing was a Riverside tragedy, people were literally lined up out the door and around the block at the wake. So many of them, men and boys that he had coached over the years, touched by his friendship, mentoring and guidance. Many I knew from various aspects of life and many I did not.

Like myself, my uncle had a way of keeping various parts of his life separate. My grandmother (his sister) and my mom would say how we'd find out years later about girlfriends he had, etc. And while I did occasionally meet the kids on his teams, that too was like a different world to me.

For me, he wasn't 'Big Al' he was 'Uncle Fred'. How that came about, I'm not sure, but it is interesting that he came to even go by a different name, to in some ways, further highlight the separation of these aspects of him. In a life where I had few male role-models, he was one of the closest things I had to one. When I was younger, he would pick me up and drop me off at school in his truck. It would always be the same time in the morning and the Honeydew Donuts commercial would come on. It still stays in my head today "Honeydew, the world's best donuts, Honeydew just for you! We makem right every day and night at Honeydew!"

He would see us on holidays and give me New York Giants stuff. He took us to see the EP-Lasalle Game on Thanksgiving one year. He would always be there in a pinch, like picking me up from school when I was sick if my mom had no way to get to me. He'd take us sometimes for ice cream with his little league team when I was young. But I wasn't really athletic or into sports and I think to a large degree we both kinda lost interest in each other due to that.

As his god-son, I always felt a special connection to my uncle, my family would sometimes quip that some part of my behavior was similar to his. But I would ask myself sometimes why he no longer spent much time with me, he had time for every boy in Riverside except his nephews. I was as much to blame for that as he was, in my teens I stopped really dealing with my extended family and we simply lived in different worlds. I found new role models in a few high school teachers that embraced me and for whom I had shared interests, which were on the intellectual side, not the athletic. A few years later, my youngest brother, a decade younger than me, would start to bond with 'Uncle Fred', and visit him at games, they shared a lot more common interests than I had with him.

I was never good at sports nor did I really have much interest in them. It was due to him that I even had a minor interest in football and his beloved New York Giants. Otherwise, I was happy when the school team won a game, but I kinda never really understood the place that sports seemed to have.

But then when he passed, I saw not just my family, but three generations of Riverside athletes mourn. Men who became coaches because of the effect that 'Big Al' had on them. Boys from age 6 to 17, as well as their fathers crying, the police and firefighters that were there when he was taken out of his house, crying. It took me until then to really get it. The sports wasn't the point, it was the love and the care and values that were instilled.

In some ways, it took this nephew and god son of his, for him to pass in order for me to really understand him. Something I wish I understood better when he was still with us. But I hope that my small role in public life, including helping to support middle school athletics, does his legacy justice. I hope also, in the near future when my own life is stable, to perhaps be a 'big brother' or do something else to support youth the way that he did and the way I wish I had as a fatherless boy. It would be a small drop in the bucket compared to the effect that he had, but I hope my actions and my life honors his memory and makes him proud of his god son.

In a Weird Place...

It's been a while since I've written a blog post, and perhaps that's because there's so much going on that it's hard to pick a topic that stands out. On the other hand, since this blog is supposed to be a form of self-therapy and self-discovery, perhaps it also means that so little is going on in that respect.

I don't think it is coincidence that a month hiatus from professional therapy (my therapist was away), coincides largely with the hiatus from posting on here. But now we are back in the somewhat normal routine (albeit later in the day since I work on Wednesdays now).

I guess I am in a weird place because a new 'normal' is still being established, I'm very much a creature of habit and my habits have in a large way been wiped clean. Even the normal of the deep illness and depression I suffered for a few months in the spring/early summer has been supplanted.

After that I went back to Sam's Club for a couple of weeks, but since I had given my notice, even those two weeks were not in the norm that I had prior to my leave of absence.

I definitely enjoy my new job, but the structure of my life is just now starting to normalize. Little things that both together and due to my nature, seem big. Things like being off on the weekends, instead of weekends being prime-time. Things like the commute and the time I wake-up. None of these are 'bad' but they are different and it still doesn't feel normal or permanent, it still feels more like a temporary alternate assignment. I went through this in the transition between CVS and Sam's Club as well.

Then there are the bigger things like being around a whole new group of people, an entirely different work atmosphere and an institution with vastly different goals. I like the new people I've met and I've been treated extremely well. I also like that every mistake or mis-step isn't a federal case like it seems to be in my retail experience. I do miss my colleagues from Sam's Club however.

The work atmosphere is a really positive change from retail, I feel like I'm part of something really important and good. The culture, all the people and the internal politics are a learning experience that I'm still navigating, but there's been nothing negative that's come out if it yet.

And so, while I'm still battling bouts of depression and still battling the feelings of isolation I feel in my personal life. The cement hasn't really settled and dried yet on my new situation to really even know how I feel overall.

Hopefully more good to follow!

My Four 'Mentors' on Leadership.

I have often half-jokingly referred to my four mentors in leadership (previously three). But I think it's interesting to look at what attracts me to these figures. Two of them are 'real' and two of them are characters, they are well-written and superbly acted characters though and I still think I can learn from them.

So here they are.


Gordon Ramsay:

When I watched Hell's Kitchen years ago when it first came out, I was entranced. My mom and I watched it together usually for the first couple of seasons. This guy was hilarious, he was so cruel but I loved it. I started seeking out more from him. I watched his first TV entry 'Boiling Point' and saw how much heart he had to cooking and the industry. And then I watched the UK version of Kitchen Nightmares (the US version came out not too long afterward) and I saw how much he cared for people. Gordon was a tough perfectionist, but much like a drill sergeant, he does it to break people down and build them up stronger. This is seen a lot more in Kitchen Nightmares than in Hell's Kitchen and even then, a lot more in the UK version. It's also worth noting that Ramsay has built up a huge number of young chefs. He has a staggeringly small turnover rate in his restaurants, a high satisfaction rating and when he originally left the Aubergine restaurant, almost all the staff followed him and they had to temporarily shut down. Maybe these people just like abuse, or more likely, they know how much he cares and supports them and works to make them succeed.


Malcolm Tucker: (Played by the brilliant Peter Capaldi)

Malcolm is the newest addition to the lineup and probably the one that is the most different from the others. He is a bit more self-centered than the others. But his harshness and temper is a drive for the greater good. He is fighting to bring the country in the right direction. He is a true 'master of his universe' and knows where ALL the bodies are buried. He's a manipulator, he yells, he shouts and boy does he swear. But he does all this because he's protecting something he deeply believes in.


Gregory House: (Played by the wonderful Hugh Laurie)

When I went from CVS to Sam's Club, I shifted from a more Gordon Ramsay approach to a Greg House one, mainly because swearing and flipping out wasn't really acceptable, so my frustration took the form of more snide comments and sarcasm. However, House still has many similarities, he has a best friend and a team of people that he cares deeply about, even if he doesn't show it. His sarcasm hides his emotional pain, it keeps him separate from people. I think back to when House and Cuddy first got together and House said "Cause I'm the most screwed up person in the world" he probably isn't, even in that fictional universe, but I could identify with the sentiment and the feeling, and finally finding someone who will accept you for all your many faults.


Jeff Lewis (Flipping Out):

Jeff Lewis has been 'Flipping Out' for eight seasons. He has OCD and he isn't afraid to let people know what bothers him. He has issues with boundaries and professionalism. But over those eight seasons he's been on an incredible journey where he's actively tried to improve himself. I can identify with a lot of his struggle. He comes to love his staff, especially his core staff (Jenny, Zoila) like family, he even goes so far as to buy them cars, plastic surgery and get involved in their weddings. However, he also says some things that are incredibly inappropriate as well. As I've gotten closer to my now former co-workers, I can understand the blurring of colleagues and family in a way that I never could earlier on. He flips out still and he demands perfection, but his staff stay loyal to him because of the deep love that they all share.



I have been called a jerk or an ass more times than I can count, but many people have also said that I have a big heart as well. I find that these men above, both real and fictional, have helped me come to terms with and reconcile both of these sides. You can be tough, hard, sarcastic and even ruthless to achieve a greater good, protect what and who is important to you and help build up the people you care about. As long as you also show your heart from time to time.

Moving Forward

Yesterday, I said goodbye to my job of over 6 years. It has been a weird sort of two weeks since I gave my notice. I've felt a bit like a lame duck going around work, troubleshooting issues here and there, but unable to make any strategic changes, since I will not be there to see them through, and my successor has yet to be named. My famous or maybe infamous flash drive gave birth to a few new ones for the various people that will be assuming my functions. I guess that kind of speaks to how much of a remit I had. Not as easy, is transferring the information in my head, including but not limited to, how to use the various tools on those flash drives.

Yesterday was about trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible, in the Personnel world, in the Front-End world and around the club. I hope I set people up for success without me. I was very glad to hear that the previous Saturday's VIP event and tax-free weekend were very successful, even without me present (it was my birthday). Flashing back to the previous August VIP where I came in on my vacation to coordinate both the Front-End and Technology execution of the event. It gives me confidence that business continues without me and pride that I have done something right in helping build a new crop of leaders.

Yesterday was also a day of goodbyes, a day where I got my traditional 'good bye' custom cake. The choice they made for me was, not surprisingly a cat, which somewhat fittingly bore some resemblance to Oscar the Grouch according to some. It also included the phrase "we'll meow-iss you" and had my customary laugh as 'ha-ha' around parts of the cake on sugar paper.

Saying bye is hard, but unlike my job before Sam's, I leave this job with my head held high, and able to say some proper goodbyes. I leave a different person than when I came in, and much better for the time I spend and the people I met. It has been the support of my 'Sam's Club family' that has allowed me to begin the process of healing myself and exploring who I am, including doing this project. While I do have some friends and people I keep in touch with from my previous employment, I feel that Sam's Club is different, it will always be special, and it is something I don't expect to happen again.

In my email to the associates I am leaving, I likened my departure to a kid leaving for college, and I think that is an apt metaphor because I feel that while I have 'left the house' I will never really leave the family, even if I don't see them nearly as frequently. I will not name anyone here because there's so many people that have made a huge difference for me, but you all know who you are.

I would be remiss if I didn't say something about the company itself. Sam's Club, as many of you know, is a division of Walmart. Walmart, especially the Walmart US division, gets a lot of media flack and bad publicity. I want to say that I was always treated fairly and well at Sam's Club. While I don't always agree with every policy of the company, no one I know agrees with their employer 100% of the time. The important thing however was that the company and management always acted ethically and the company both followed the law and went beyond to ensure employees are protected. The company took a risk on hiring me when  no one else would and always followed its core belief of respect for the individual. The company has always shown respect for my uniqueness, including working though my Asperger's traits and embracing my mental talents while not holding my lack of physical talents against me. There will always be, in a chain as large as Walmart/Sam's Club, store management or market management that do not do the right thing, but the company doesn't deserve the negative reputation that it gets.

I had a great six year run with too many amazing people to count, and I feel like I'm leaving at the right time. I will leave you all with a quote from Malcolm Tucker of The Thick of It (played by the always awesome Peter Capaldi), it does include expletives.

Malcolm Tucker: It is possible to have a good resignation, you know?!

Hugh: A good resignation? Well, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell this to me!

Malcolm: Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know; steely jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before you get to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go!", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, eh? What a way to go!

Thank you everyone and we will see each other again...

My-Bi-Oh-My

Warning, this blog post contains frank discussion of sexuality and may potentially be somewhat graphic. If you are afraid that Jesus will drop a bomb on you because of the discussion of sexuality or same-sex relationships, stop reading here.

Since I started puberty I've been interested in girls/women. I would say maybe 5th or 6th grade. A girl's breasts were particularly a fixation of mine. There's a common expression, are you an "ass or tits guy" and I was definitely the latter. Though I have come to appreciate a fine behind.

Because my urges and attractions were so strongly associated with females and a particular feature of female anatomy, I quickly identified as straight. It was probably sometime around the middle of high school when I started looking at guys somewhat sexually, and it was a far more gradual process. This led to a lot of confusion on my part. I've always looked at sexuality as a spectrum and do not subscribe to the idea that a lot of people hang at the radical ends of straight or gay. Rather I think most people have a little bit of attraction to the same sex, even if they are predominantly straight. I think this is how I rationalized a lot of the attractions I was feeling. For me again, it started with the chest, great pecs were my main fixation. I tended to be interested in kinda effeminate boys or at-least not rugged looking ones, again I rationalized that there was some beauty in them that was androgynous. A curious thing for me looking back was how little I actually thought about the sexual organs, I didn't think of the vagina too much really, or the penis. I knew I wanted to stick mine into a girl, and I knew the technical mechanics of where it would go, but it's not something I really fixated on. The same went for guys, I knew I had some attraction, but I did not really think of what I would do with one, later on the thought of getting oral sex from either gender had appeal, but I was more focused on the attractiveness of the body and more of the secondary sexual characteristics instead of the genitals. The one exception I had was a fascination with testicles, mine and other boys, but this fascination wasn't really sexualized until much later on.

As I got older, my sexuality, for lack of a better word, matured. I started to look at girls as a complete package, tits were still great, but I started to appreciate the ass, legs and of course the vagina. The same also happened with guys, I began to appreciate more types of guys, though still liking 'twinks', appreciating the male ass and thinking of anal sex and appreciating the penis. It is a weird sensation to see a penis and want to immediately suck it. Another recent development in the last couple of years is a change in my role. I always wanted to be the stud, poking both girls and guys. However now I have found myself more and more liking the idea of being the one penetrated, dominated to a degree and held by a stronger, more masculine man. It is again an odd sensation that I am learning to live with. 

So for me, while I have not really been open about my bi-sexuality prior to this, I really find my situation to be more fluid than that label may really allow anyway. I feel, even at age 30 that my sexuality is still evolving. I did 'hide in the closet' a bit, but to be honest, for a lot of my life, I didn't even know I was in one.

I think it's important to note, and perhaps more embarrassing than coming out as bi-sexual. That I have not had any sexual relationship with either gender. Those of you that know my struggle with social situations and my suspected Aspergers, can probably understand why to some degree. But I am hoping that being honest with who I am will leave me in both a healthier mental state to have a relationship and build my confidence with doing so.