Warning, this blog post contains frank discussion of sexuality and may potentially be somewhat graphic. If you are afraid that Jesus will drop a bomb on you because of the discussion of sexuality or same-sex relationships, stop reading here.
Since I started puberty I've been interested in girls/women. I would say maybe 5th or 6th grade. A girl's breasts were particularly a fixation of mine. There's a common expression, are you an "ass or tits guy" and I was definitely the latter. Though I have come to appreciate a fine behind.
Because my urges and attractions were so strongly associated with females and a particular feature of female anatomy, I quickly identified as straight. It was probably sometime around the middle of high school when I started looking at guys somewhat sexually, and it was a far more gradual process. This led to a lot of confusion on my part. I've always looked at sexuality as a spectrum and do not subscribe to the idea that a lot of people hang at the radical ends of straight or gay. Rather I think most people have a little bit of attraction to the same sex, even if they are predominantly straight. I think this is how I rationalized a lot of the attractions I was feeling. For me again, it started with the chest, great pecs were my main fixation. I tended to be interested in kinda effeminate boys or at-least not rugged looking ones, again I rationalized that there was some beauty in them that was androgynous. A curious thing for me looking back was how little I actually thought about the sexual organs, I didn't think of the vagina too much really, or the penis. I knew I wanted to stick mine into a girl, and I knew the technical mechanics of where it would go, but it's not something I really fixated on. The same went for guys, I knew I had some attraction, but I did not really think of what I would do with one, later on the thought of getting oral sex from either gender had appeal, but I was more focused on the attractiveness of the body and more of the secondary sexual characteristics instead of the genitals. The one exception I had was a fascination with testicles, mine and other boys, but this fascination wasn't really sexualized until much later on.
As I got older, my sexuality, for lack of a better word, matured. I started to look at girls as a complete package, tits were still great, but I started to appreciate the ass, legs and of course the vagina. The same also happened with guys, I began to appreciate more types of guys, though still liking 'twinks', appreciating the male ass and thinking of anal sex and appreciating the penis. It is a weird sensation to see a penis and want to immediately suck it. Another recent development in the last couple of years is a change in my role. I always wanted to be the stud, poking both girls and guys. However now I have found myself more and more liking the idea of being the one penetrated, dominated to a degree and held by a stronger, more masculine man. It is again an odd sensation that I am learning to live with.
So for me, while I have not really been open about my bi-sexuality prior to this, I really find my situation to be more fluid than that label may really allow anyway. I feel, even at age 30 that my sexuality is still evolving. I did 'hide in the closet' a bit, but to be honest, for a lot of my life, I didn't even know I was in one.
I think it's important to note, and perhaps more embarrassing than coming out as bi-sexual. That I have not had any sexual relationship with either gender. Those of you that know my struggle with social situations and my suspected Aspergers, can probably understand why to some degree. But I am hoping that being honest with who I am will leave me in both a healthier mental state to have a relationship and build my confidence with doing so.
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