Soft Leadership

Those few that read these blogs are probably getting tired of me talking about my job and comparing it to my previous workplace. However, my work is my focal point and my job change is still pretty much the biggest thing to happen to me. In addition, while it has been six months, it still feels very fresh and new to me. Lastly on this point, while the different jobs are the settings and catalysts, the point of this blog post is my personal development as a leader.

Honestly, my 'career' as a leader starts well before my current employment or it's immediate predecessor and believe me it has not been an easy road. For me, leadership really started in high school; working on the Class Committee and it's Activities Committee, being on Student Council and serving as a Captain of the Speech and Debate Team. For someone like me, for whom social interaction takes a lot of energy and doesn't quite come naturally (introvert and suspected autism spectrum) I made a lot of mistakes. I was always very good at the technical end of things, creating structures, analysis, technical writing, etc. But what I sometimes missed, particularly when it came to my work with my Class Committee, was imparting my vision and getting the group's buy in, in other words soft leadership.

The one part of soft leadership that I became good at was developing talent. In high school, this manifested most with my Speech and Debate team. Even before I was a captain, I helped to develop new freshman team members and support them. This created a mentor-mentee relationship that lasted for a few years.

When I started working at CVS, I didn't always get it right either. I initially didn't start in a leadership role but I eventually became Photo Supervisor. When I was at the Riverside store, I rightly focused on technical aspects because that was what was mainly needed, I had a team that knew what they were doing. It was however still very collaborative.

 
When I was transferred to the Barrington location and a much larger / busier photo lab, it was a very different scenario. The team did not have the necessary training and many of them were high school students for whom the job was not a high priority. I rightly emphasized a sense of discipline, processes and benchmarks. But I also tried to develop and generate passion. However in many cases the current crew were replaced one by one, because some were just not the right fit. With a fresh team, I feel I found a good balance. I developed a lot of leaders that ended up going on to lead photo labs in the district we were in, I am especially proud of that.

Where I may not have always handled things well was with my relations with other leaders in the store. Some people would have never been happy with me, I came into a situation where I was switched with another Photo Supervisor who's brother and step-mother both worked as shift supervisors. I also had a very different style from the long time Photo Supervisor before him. But it took me too long to realize who I would never get support from and who I could eventually build strong relationships with and while I eventually became very close to those who were left after a year of leadership changes, I could have done so, in some cases, sooner and cleaner.

So fast forward to my time at Sam's Club. The Sam's Club culture is very different from CVS, with much more emphasis on getting to know your employees on a personal level and invest in them and their needs. This was expected while at the same time holding them responsible for their performance.

It was tough at first, especially in my first leadership role there both with my subordinates and again with other leaders. But over time, I think I found a good balance where I was well respected by most to be tough but fair and caring. I was surprised how many people actually told me they appreciated my high expectations. I was lucky enough to have some amazing mentors that saw my talent and helped foster it. I tried to do the same for others and I think I succeeded. I would tell a lot of 'up and comers' that I was fostering that "You don't have to be a Team Leader to be a leader". I left there feeling that I reached the peak of what I could do in that job.

So again, fast forward to the Pawtucket School Department. One thing I mention, including on other posts in this blog. Is that I am no longer in a leadership role and that I miss it to some degree. However, in discussion with my manager today I realized something. I had missed my own advise. I don't have to be a formal supervisor or manager to be a leader, and while it hadn't really dawned on me consciously, I had been unconsciously practicing that advise. I had been helping to re-shape the office, I had been initiating change with the team I work with. I had been influencing. I had no formal power over anyone, but I had gotten others to follow me as a soft leader. It was not the first time I had done this, but it was the first time I had done so this pervasively without any formal leadership role.

For me this was a big realization and it was big for what it meant for me as a professional and more importantly, as an individual. I realize that I have a set of gifts, but those gifts also come with deficits. This is no different than anyone else, only more pronounced in someone on the spectrum. But as someone that has not always been satisfied with my progress in personal and social arenas, I have hope that with hard work I can continue to develop myself.

In the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who, The Doctor realizes where he is going "home, the long way around" I believe the sentiment is apt in my case as well, I may not have hit the 'normal' life benchmarks (driver's license, college, friendships, dating, etc), As I improve and change (regenerate), I am getting there, the long way around.

Empathy

It's been a while since I've written, but I felt the need to write about an epiphany that I've had.

I first started to notice a tendency in high school, that as I had an innate habit of absorbing the personality traits of others I was around. Much like the way I absorb data.

At a time when I didn't know about Asperger's, it didn't really make much sense to me. It is known that those with Asperger's have difficulty understanding and empathizing with others emotions.

A few months ago, I was talking with a former colleague about his turmoil and he self-describes himself as an 'empath'. I found it very interesting to discover another end of the empathy spectrum. It was an interesting discussion between the man who can't empathize and the man who can't stop empathizing.

It occurs to me now the way that I cope with my inability to naturally empathize is through a strange form of mimicry. I generate would would probably be better described as a 'simpatico' with people. I find a way to feel empathy through subconsciously analyzing and mimicking how people behave and then internalizing it.

So that makes me wonder again, how much of 'me' is me? How much is layers upon layers of other people's personalities, feelings and emotions analyzed and absorbed by my mind? 

Maybe this is the way all Aspies cope? Maybe it's the healthiest way to go about it? Or maybe this is limited to my own unique mind? I don't know. I don't know how to even feel about it, so far it has worked, but I feel it further obfuscates my own identity.

Vulnerability

I've been having a very rough few weeks. After a short period of stability, the darkness of depression has hit me hard most evenings in the last few weeks. I could claim it has to do with my mom being in the hospital, but if I'm honest it started well before then.

I feel broken, and I think it is so true that is does give you the ability to build yourself back up again, however, I just don't know how to go about it. I am lost and I feel trapped.

I told a friend last night that I feel like Asperger's locks me in a room and in that room I am stalked by my depression. It is so difficult to deal with the way these two afflictions feed off of each other.


My sense of identity is shattered, it is shards on the floor at my feet. I am trying to re-forge them without getting cut by them and I am struggling.

I can't help but feel like I have a major gap in my life and I don't know how to fill it. I'd like to this is another example of where Asperger's and Depression feed off of each other. The Asperger's makes it difficult for me to meet and engage new people in order to date, and the depression drains me of the energy to overcome it and makes it seem hopeless. Add to that the level of doubt that this would even be the right time in my life to have a partner and it just completely stalls the process.

I don't know who I am, and even more difficult, I'm not even sure who I want to be. How does one forge a weapon without knowing if he wants a sword or a battle-axe? How does a painter paint when he doesn't know if he wants to make a portrait or a seascape? I just know I can't stay as the puddle of emotion that I am right now, nor descend into the numbing darkness on a nightly basis, if I want to survive.

Christmas Spirit

If I'm not in the Christmas Spirit this year, it is because too much is amiss for it to truly feel like Christmas. I am deeply impacted by my mother not being home yet, but that isn't the only thing wrong.

2015 is the year that I decided to be honest with myself and with the people in my life. So I'm going to say right now that if this is too honest for you, I apologize for making you feel bad, but not for actually saying it.

Most of the people in this country, including a lot of people on my friends list, have lost the true meaning of this holiday. If you celebrate Christmas tomorrow stuffing your face while railing against helping the poor or refugees, you are a hypocrite. If you open presents tomorrow, while supporting politicians that keep cutting veteran's benefits, you are a hypocrite. If you talk about love and peace this holiday season and then embrace a man like Donald Trump, you are a hypocrite. If you get offended because someone says Happy Holidays and you think your Christian majority gives you the right to hear Merry Christmas on demand, you are a hypocrite.

As someone who was raised Catholic and who, while not fully believing in the church and all of man's interpretations, still embraces the Lord. I am shocked and ashamed this holiday season at what I see on the news, and even more so, by what I see on my news feed! What would Jesus do is not just a cool bumper sticker slogan, if you are Christian it should be your way of thinking. Did Jesus say to help those in need, only when they are in the same geopolitical state as you? When Jesus fed the hungry, did he create a welfare state?

I was talking with a person whose excuse for not practicing WWJD was that he gave to charity already this year, implying that he is free from obligation the rest of the year.
 
I am not a socialist or a communist, I am not saying that you or I can't have any luxuries or spend money on enjoyment. However, look at what you say your priorities are (education for your children, military/vet benefits, homelessness) and then look at where you put your time and money, do they line up? Look at the values you espouse of peace, love and good will, then look at how you act and the positions you take, do they line up?

America is great because of it's rugged individualism, but perhaps we need that with just a small infusion of Asian culture of obligation to greater society.

I left the private sector for the public sector, in part because I had serious moral quandaries about the actions I was taking in order to drive simple profit for the already super rich. I am not perfect in how I live either, but I at-least see that and have tried to make a change.

Please take today and maybe tomorrow to look at yourselves closely, are you really in the holiday spirit? do you really grasp what this day is about? How will you change yourself to better follow the message of the man whose birth you are celebrating.

The Dancing Cop

Let me first start off by saying that if you are expecting a scathing rebuke of Tony Lepore or a political rant about civil rights and race relations, you may be disappointed. I have posted a lot on both issues on Facebook, but that is not what this blog is for. This is a story about me and it's a story that starts a long time ago and just happened to come up most recently with the Lepore incident.

Rewind to last Friday when I start hearing tidbits about the 'Dancing Cop' coming to East Providence, after his services were not renewed by the City of Providence. This instantly upset me, more for the budget implications and the waste I felt it was, than for the racial issues. And for the fact that Mr. Lepore often creates traffic rather than alleviate it.

Saturday, news stories started to hit about the Dancing Cop being hired for the Looff Carousel Tree Lighting and then for a two week stint directing traffic on Taunton Avenue in front of City Hall. I decided that it shouldn't stand. So Saturday evening, I alerted a friend to the news, knowing that he would organize against Lepore. That friend did what I expected and very effectively, including reaching out to elements in Providence who were behind the protests against Lepore there. I helped spread the word about the protests, but I also made sure that word got to some of our elected officials in the hopes that they would re-consider and intervene.

I know many people, whether for or against Lepore, did not like the idea of protesting at the Carousel because it was a 'children's event'. I had mixed feelings about this myself, but I do think that peacefully organizing is a key part of democracy and children should see it, not be sheltered. However, it was my hope that word of the protest alone would be enough and it wouldn't have to actually happen.

Lepore did back out of the event after being alerted of the situation by ceremonial Mayor Tommy Rose, saying he was (needlessly) worried about the children's safety. However Lepore had a lot of inflammatory comments to make toward the protesters and #BlackLivesMatter. He also said at the time that he still planned to direct traffic outside of City Hall and even started stating his schedule and the pay that he had worked out with the ceremonial Mayor that should not be negotiating such things. This led me to focus once again on the practices of our city in regards to hiring and contractor selection. The city council ended up deciding not to even bring Lepore's hiring up to a vote after protesters directed their energy at city hall, and Tony's days in EP were done before they began. I was very happy for this victory for sanity, racial unity and fiscal responsibility.

However, something weird started happening, as I began to hear Lepore on the news, I began to feel bad. I started thinking of him living on a modest pension, the 30 year tradition of holiday dancing and how much this activity meant to this man and to others. As protesters were getting ready to descend on City Hall to make their voice heard on the matter, I was in my room literally crying and shaking from the conflict of emotions inside me. Now, it is important to note that I missed my pills in the morning, so this isn't completely the effect of Mr. Lepore's persuasiveness. I was lucky to have a great friend once again help me through it. But it highlighted something that has always been there, like my own shadow, well before Mr. Lepore, and that is my pervasive feelings of guilt and regret.

It occurs to me now that this has been a demon stalking me since I could remember. When I was very little, I would get cold sometimes, but if my mom or grandma didn't tuck me in, I didn't cover myself because it would violate the tradition. What happens if I cover myself and their feelings are hurt? When I did give in and cover myself, I felt immensely guilty, like I had taken something away from them.

I go to sleep at night often haunted by these thoughts of guilt, of people that I perceive that I've wronged and failures I've had that have let myself and others down.

I did not and do not want Mr. Lepore blacklisted forever, even though he himself protested to get a 17 year old Dunkin Donuts worker fired. I am not an 'eye for an eye' person and I believe in forgiveness. I believe that people deserve another chance to start over and begin again fresh. Mr. Lepore will not be in East Providence and I am happy for that, but I do hope for him to find a community where he can perform his act and start his tradition anew.

But where Mr. Lepore may get a fresh start, I am still seeking mine. I think I have mostly lifted the burden of guilt about my father, but I still have a lot more that remains. How do I move forward? How do I get a fresh start? Am I just wired to feel this way or is there a psychological issue to resolve? Is there a root cause to be fixed or do I need to exorcise each of these demons one by one? Someday, Mr. Lepore may get his chance at redemption, I just hope that I get a chance at mine.

Who I am... and what I don't want to be!

Last night, I stumbled upon a Facebook post that linked to a webpage about communicating with people that have Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. I didn't actually read it until this morning, but it hit me hard. The page I landed on was neuro-typical wives talking about their relationship with their Aspergers husband and I see myself so much in the descriptions.

Here are some excepts, these are all from different spouses:

"Hard to communicate with, doesn't like to be social, doesn't like change,never compliments me... He thinks I can read his mind because it seems so painful for him to communicate. Very passive-aggressive."

 "He will go to work but as soon as he gets home he shuts down."

 "I love social events but it is like Chinese water torture to him."

 "Lack of empathy, lack of affection , lack of communication, lack of support through very difficult times. Always always always feeling lonely in my marriage."

 "Missing the physical and articulate expressions of simple affection and of passionate curiosity of ones object of desire. It is like reading music when you know what the orchestra sounds like and seeing the branches move without the sound of the breeze."

 "Poor communication, defensiveness, rigid thinking and lack of empathy."

I've never been in a relationship before, and I'm 31 years old. I know I am scared of the initial rejection and so I don't put myself out there. In addition to the fact that I do not participate in many of the normal social events in which one finds a date.

But I also do fear what it would be like to be in a relationship, the mental energy it will require from me in order to actively not be like the men in the above quotes and the fear that I will end up being like that to someone and hurting them deeply.

I also feel like I am lonely and that I'm missing something important by not being in a relationship. But at the same time is that enough to 'inflict myself' on someone or to expose myself to the slew of rejections I'll receive or to endure social situations that I won't enjoy in the hopes of 'meeting someone'. I really have no idea.

Entrepreneurial Spirit

I wish sometimes that I had that entrepreneurial spirit. That motivation to build and go after business and hopefully make a ton of money. But I do not, that's just not me.

Money has never been a driving force in my life, I of course want to earn a decent wage to provide for myself and take care of my needs, but I don't need to be rich or wealthy, that's just not something I feel like working toward.

I am proud to earn money through hard work doing something that contributes back to the community and to volunteer my extra time doing the same.

I have been told on occasion that I have a keen business mind and that I could go into business for myself and potentially make a lot of money. Personally, my particular skills are usually better applied at analyzing and improving upon existing business operations. Further as I said above, I have no drive or motivation to launch into business ventures.

I spent 10 years of my life in the private workforce, in the pursuit of money (for someone else), including high pressure sales, cutting operations to the bone despite being financially successful, etc. For someone who wants to move up in that world, it is great. If you want to be the next Tom Ryan at CVS, working from a store all the way to CEO, knock yourself out, I won't be in your way. For someone who wants to be the next Sam Walton and build a multi-national multi billion dollar company up from the ground, starting with one '5 and Dime'. Again knock yourself out. I have nothing against any of that, but it's just not me.

I have nothing against private industry, I am fine with people making money. I believe in regulating the excesses, but I'm not for socialism. That said, what makes me feel good every day isn't the size of my paycheck or the value of my stock options. It's spending the day helping people, increasing efficiency so that more value is added for every dollar and I've found a job where I'm doing that not to make a billionaire more money, but to make that dollar go further for children's education and value for tax payers. And so I can come hope each day satisfied with myself.